Friday, 2 December 2011

Cheers Facebook

They could have just said "is Single" or even "is now single" but noooo...

"Martin Martin Macleod Macleod (Yes I use my full name as middle name on Facebook) Went from being in a relationship - being a happy functional member of society - to single - What a fucking loser freak. Let's throw faeces at the loser freak - I bet his hard drive's going to be filled to the fucking brim with disgusting pornography. Just wank and cry. Wank and cry.

Luckily it wasn't really that heavy a relationship and I'm still friends with the girl. But if I had just been dumped by 'the one', that love heart they stick there would be a nice pile of salt in the wound. It would be more sensitive to put a swastika there.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

What's this? An Update A Week?

Look who's getting back into the blogging spirit. Me! I'm blogging.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Martin, when you start your blog posts with a paragraph or two about blogging and mention blogging over and over again, it usually means you've got fuck all to talk about."

Who are you?

Also yeah! maybe I don't have anything to talk about. But surely I can think of something...



I had a brilliant idea the other day. I think. I can't remember. I did have an interesting dream last night, maybe I could make "Mratin's messed up dreams: Volume 558"

What have I been doing for past couple of weeks?

Skyrim and coursework. I refilled the ink cartridge in my printer... But that was just to print off uni work.

I had a massive steak the other night... But that was to celebrate killing a Dragon. In Skyrim. Not real life.

I was walking down the road the other day - walking between my flat and Tesco. If this were Skyrim, I'd just fast travel there, but that's just the 'portal guns not existing in real life' thing all over again... But yeah, there was this woman touching herself while walking past me. I was all like "Oh yeah, she's touching herself because of me..." ...if it weren't for the fact that she was like fifty. It was fucking disgusting, really put a downer on the whole day.

...And that's why I haven't started my ethics coursework.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Flea stared at me!

I was doing some uni work (Yes I was doing uni work! Shut up!) when I noticed someone on Facebook posting about blogging. That brought back some memories. Remember when I used to blog? phuh! All the time! Sometimes - twice in one day!

"Hey Martin how did you see someone's facebook update if you were doing uni work?" Because I've got 2 monitors. Now let me get back to my story dick head!

Wait, isn't Dick head 1 word? "Dickhead" That looks better, but the Google chrome spell checker's put a red, squiggly line under it... Hmm

Anyhoo, I was all like: "remember when I used to blog? I should get back into blogging."

But then came a question. What to blog about?

I paused for a second then I came to a conclusion. I could. Blog about...


As you probably know (The chances are - if you're reading this - you're probably me.) I went to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers last Saturday. It was fucking immense. Because My good friend Scott Lang (Langsters paradise) got me a ticket from O2, I had to meet him there to get it. I also had another ticket that I'd bought so I took my girlfriend. As it turned out, the Langsta didn't get there before we reached the door to get into the actual gig. So we were there with 1 ticket between us. I know what you're thinking; "Shit! You'll be killed". Luckily though, it wasn't some mad killer with a knife at my back, It was a very nice man with a spare ticket. I was too shocked to thank him properly. I was thinking I could do that here, but no. He won't be one of the 2 or 3 people to read this.

The support band were alright. At first I thought their guitarist was on heroin or something. Though after a while I realised; he's just a hipster twat.

But nothing previously mentioned in this post - or even the entirety of this blog - bears any significance in comparison to the fact that... FLEA STARED AT ME!

Right at me!

I was all like rocking out with my fist in the air and he was like...

It was intense. I thought I might shit myself - I didn't. But afterwards, I was thinking. If I'd flattened my hand to turn my putting my fist in the air into a Nazi salute... That would've probably thrown him off. That would be pretty funny.

I think I might start blogging more often, I might make it a weekly thing or something.

Friday, 11 November 2011

Skyrim + drinking = my Friday night

So yeah, I started playing Skyrim at about 7ish and it's now 11:48. I'm about 4 and a half Cidres in(see-dra, not psy-der) and I've just beaten a mountain goat to death with a mace. The way it's lifeless corpse fell down the side of the cliff? Funny as fuck. Having never played an Elder Scrolls game before, this is quite an experience, I'm currently wondering around some mountain. I had a horse but that died when I rode it off the ledge into some spiky rocks.

I've been given an assistant type person called Lydia and she's all like "yeah!" and "let's do that". I like her attitude, she'll go far in this business if she keeps it up. There was some bint earlier on in the game who can fucking well die for all I care. I had to follow her to something and she was walking so fucking slow, I tried to talk to her but she was all like "I've got nothing to say to you" and "mind your own business." Yo bitch! I spent forty quid on this game; anything that happens is my fucking business. I mean really, the nerve of some people... And then - because she was rude and I was bored - I hit her with my shield. Then she killed me and I had to start the whole thing again.

And then I lost her! I was like "hey! Where'd you go?". She didn't answer.

One critisism of this game though: What's with the playable character's stamina, I can run for much longer than that. And I'm unfit.


I just kicked a wolf in the face and smacked it over the head with a mace. I love this game! 10 out of 10!

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Let's get bloggical

bloggety blog blog de blog blog blog. Blogging!

Yeah! Blogging. I'm blogging. About something. I don't know what. I just feel like blogging. I used to blog about fuck all all the time.

Maybe I should blog about a clog...

Look, it's a clog!

*There was a picture of a clog here but it was massive and covered the whole screen. You could say it clogged up the page...*

Anyhoo, I'm back at uni. I could be doing uni work. Or I could blog about uni work.

Speaking of work. I was supposed to be working tonight but they sent me home early. Probably so I could make this post. Or because there were very few bookings. They don't care about my blog. :(

I though of some pretty funny observations the other day and was like "I should blog that shizz!". But I can't remember any of these observations. Maybe if I just keep blogging every day, my posts will start getting really good. No? maybe.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

Dear bint working at the Tesco self service.

Hey it's me. Yeah. can you see me? I'm the guy who's standing next to a big, red, flashing light and a monitor telling me to wait for a member of staff (that's you). I've been here for a while now. You see about 10 minutes ago when there wasn't anyone there? Well there actually was someone there - Me! Fucking me! I was standing there wondering why you're not letting me go.

Yeah, I'm this way. Over here. Why are you facing the other way? Oh, you're talking to your work mates really? They can't be that interesting. They work in a supermarket for fuck sake (That was a joke. I have a few friends who work in supermarkets and they're actually fun, interesting people - mostly).

Oh Right! you're going to help that woman over there. YOU HAD TO WALK PAST ME TO GET TO HER. Bitch. Oh and now you're helping the jakes scan all of their shopping at the top machine. Aw bless, he doesn't know how to scan the barcode on his club card. Fucking help me you stupid skank! Oh! And now you're fixing the abandoned one next to me. How about helping me here before you have another abandoned check out to deal with?


Ahh, back to doing nothing again? Good for you. You've had a hard 2 minutes of entering numbers on touch screens. Best take a wee rest before you deal with me. Yeah, take a seat. I'm fine just standing here.

And then she finally came over. I wasn't overly polite but I at least had the self control not to knock her out. "Do you have any ID?" Is she fucking kidding? How could I not be old enough to buy booze, I've been waiting here for 18 years. If I wasn't old enough before, I am now! I have a fucking beard and she IDs me.

I didn't have a beard when I came in.

Tesco's customer standards have plummeted since Lee left

That's right Lee. Every little DOES count.

(That wasn't a joke about him having a small cock by the way. Everyone knows that Lee's hung.)

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Martin answered a question... That nobody asked :(

"Man, this uni work is getting pretty stressful. I know... I'll take a break and go onto facebook to calm myself... oh wow a poll/question thing, that's bound to be entertaining..."

2 minutes later...

"Why the fuck has that deselected itself!!! Fuck Fucking fuck!!!!"

"oh look another poll I wonder what possible answers there are..."

2 minutes of reading 'there' in the place of 'their' later...

"Fuck you Fucking Facebook polls! How the fuck is anyone that fucking stupid!?!?"

I wish I could say I was the person who left that comment or at least that I was one of the 3 people who liked it but alas that would be untrue.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

I Tidied up my computer Desk...

Now I just need to tidy up my bed...

Right! To Tesco for Relentless and Doritos! I feel an all-nighter coming on...

Sunday, 6 February 2011

I'm So Tired

Well it's half 3 in the morning and I'm still awake. Why am I still awake? I just don't feel like going to bed. It's not that I'm not tired. I'm fucking knackered. I just don't feel like sleeping.

Hey! I'm an adult and I've not got anything in particular to get up for tomorrow - I don't have to go to bed if I don't want to. And you know what? Maybe I wont!

But I am fucking tired.

Why don't I want to go to bed? I don't know. Maybe the tiredness has gotten to my head and I just don't care about doing what would make me feel better. I'm comfortable with being awake right now. Why go through the transition from not being in bed to being in bed? It's a hassle.

Just wait 'till tomorrow morning (or afternoon if you're being pedantic). It'll be next to impossible to get me out of bed.

But why would you want to get me out of bed? What possible reason would you have for forcing me out of a warm, cosy bed? On a Sunday of all days!

Saying that, I don't mind being woken up. In fact I quite like it. Just as long as I don't actually have to get up. Wake me all you like losers! I'm not going to get out of that bed. Probably.

Monday, 31 January 2011

This post is 2 days late...

That's 2 days for each year I've been blogging

That's right! Today (well not actually today, but Friday) is the 2nd anniversary of this blog.
It all started with a picture of Leggat wearing a traffic cone on his head and a bunch of jokes about Billy being a paedophile.

Here's to another 2 years of me blogging - Perhaps even 2 and a half years.

(I would've posted a picture to make this post look better but to be honest - after 2 years - the love's gone and it feels more like work)

Go Blog!

Thursday, 27 January 2011

"You missed a Video Call from Leggat."


Fuck you MSN! Why would you deliver such horrific news.

Said video call would've happened about 4 hours ago when I was at the union. It could've been wonderful.

Yeah sure there'd be the awkward stage where I realise that not only is my webcam not plugged in, but it's not even been installed.

It would only take 10 minutes of me staring at an increasingly enraged Leggat before I'd get that started. Then all the camming would be wonderful.

He'd be all like; "LOLOLOL I can see you!" and I'd be like; "lolol I could see you first"
(Because it took like 10 minutes for me to install the fucking webcam)


(I had to find a fucking driver and everything)


(Not happy)

Anyway, none of that happened because I wasn't there.

All I've got are vivid imaginings of the world that could have been.

Fair well world.

...For now.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Talent Show Reject on a Blurry Screen

So... I pub quizzed tonight. Pub quizzed hard. We even got half the answers right. most teams had more than twice as many people so it was kinda a moral victory.

But I'm not here to blog about some pub quiz - I've done that enough in the past.

What happened after the pub quiz is where it's at.

Leaving the pub quiz, everyone was pretty drunk. "What to do now?" we all slurred at each other in a somewhat aggressive manner. "Why I say, let's go to Liquid" one vomity-sicky voice said. "Good call". Good call indeed.

For those who don't know; Liquid is a nightclub in Dundee. There are probably other ones around the country, but the liquid in question is in Dundee.

So Martin? Why are are you boring us with shitty facts about some nightclub that isn't as good as Undedrground - even after underground put their prices up (the bastards).

Well Martin, (Martin? But I'm Martin. I need to stop posing questions to myself on my blog, it's getting really confusing - especially since I'm half-cut.)

Well Martin, we were going into liquid thinking 'oh, it's Monday, should be nice and cheap.'. £7 to get in! On a Monday! What the fuck!? I was happy to pay it. But still; what the fuck liquid? What the fuck?

We couldn't see what the fuss was until we got separated by a massive crowd of screaming maniacs. I could hear a PA system with a voice saying "Here he comes!".

Here who comes?

Here Wagner comes.

Apparently I'm the only person who doesn't give a fuck about this guy, yet I was within feet of him. I could've bottled him. But he had a guy. Yeah, a guy. Looked hard as fuck. Like Phill Mitchell and Grant Mitchell merged into one massive, bald ball of Eastenders hardness.

Also I throw like a girl.

Anyhoo, I was really close to this Wagner guy. Yet I couldn't give a fuck. I was closer to him than the X-factor judges were when they thought "Yeah, let's bring on another comedy act.". I was closer to him than I was to the Red Hot Chili Peppers when I saw them a few years ago - and I really like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I was also closer than some genuine Wagner fans and was actually blocking their view of him. I would've moved for them but they insisted on shouting "Wagner" at the top of their voices and blowing out my eardrums. So fuck 'em. I hope they enjoyed watching their favourite talent show reject on a blurry screen.

Wait, he didn't win did he? If he did, that last line doesn't really work. Nor does the title.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Sober Vegetarianism

Excuse me, I'd like a Quorn steak please, nice and rare, loads of blood.

What do yo mean Quorn doesn't bleed?

Quorn isn't even an animal?

What sort of crazy restaurant is this?

Oh right, a fictional one to use as an introduction to this post.

So, for the month of January, I'm not eating meat!
(There was that cook off thing at work but it doesn't count)

But yeah. Quorn steaks!

Fucking shit.

I've discovered a new love of sun blushed tomatoes and salad in general.
I've also discovered that vegetarian versions of meat things are shit. Well quorn chicken pieces are quite nice and Tesco's meat-free burgers are pretty good but other than that, meat-free meat sucks!

As well as giving up meat, I'm also giving up alcohol for the month.

Now I know what you're thinking; Why are you doing that? They're the to best reasons to be alive!


The above was written in the first 2 weeks of the month. Yeah, I lasted 2 weeks without drinking.

Which is pretty darn good by my standards.

Yes it is!

Fuck you.


so yeah... I was going to start blogging again (good ain Martin)

Well what the fuck you think I'm doing now!

Stalling? You think I'm stalling? You think I have things to say? Opinons? Stuff that I could post on this blog that matters?

Well no, I don't. But I'm going to pretend I do...

So... those Chilean miners huh? When you think they're going to get out of the mine? Wha- oh. Right, they got out. But surely they've got to go back down again. Right?
I mean they ARE miners. That's what miners do, they mine. In holes. They've had a nice, several months long holiday, time to go back down some holes.
...And hopefully get back up at the end of their shifts this time.

In conclusion, I'm blogging again. Blogging like it's 2009... or like it's 2007. I blogged a lot in 2007.