daffodil-soup

Cheers Facebook

2011-12-02T23:03:00.000Z

They could have just said "is Single" or even "is now single" but noooo...

"Martin Martin Macleod Macleod (Yes I use my full name as middle name on Facebook) Went from being in a relationship - being a happy functional member of society - to single - What a fucking loser freak. Let's throw faeces at the loser freak - I bet his hard drive's going to be filled to the fucking brim with disgusting pornography. Just wank and cry. Wank and cry.

Luckily it wasn't really that heavy a relationship and I'm still friends with the girl. But if I had just been dumped by 'the one', that love heart they stick there would be a nice pile of salt in the wound. It would be more sensitive to put a swastika there.

What's this? An Update A Week?

2011-11-24T20:20:00.000Z

Look who's getting back into the blogging spirit. Me! I'm blogging.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Martin, when you start your blog posts with a paragraph or two about blogging and mention blogging over and over again, it usually means you've got fuck all to talk about."

Who are you?

Also yeah! maybe I don't have anything to talk about. But surely I can think of something...

No?

Fuck.

I had a brilliant idea the other day. I think. I can't remember. I did have an interesting dream last night, maybe I could make "Mratin's messed up dreams: Volume 558"

What have I been doing for past couple of weeks?

Skyrim and coursework. I refilled the ink cartridge in my printer... But that was just to print off uni work.

I had a massive steak the other night... But that was to celebrate killing a Dragon. In Skyrim. Not real life.

I was walking down the road the other day - walking between my flat and Tesco. If this were Skyrim, I'd just fast travel there, but that's just the 'portal guns not existing in real life' thing all over again... But yeah, there was this woman touching herself while walking past me. I was all like "Oh yeah, she's touching herself because of me..." ...if it weren't for the fact that she was like fifty. It was fucking disgusting, really put a downer on the whole day.

...And that's why I haven't started my ethics coursework.

Flea stared at me!

2011-11-17T18:24:00.004Z

I was doing some uni work (Yes I was doing uni work! Shut up!) when I noticed someone on Facebook posting about blogging. That brought back some memories. Remember when I used to blog? phuh! All the time! Sometimes - twice in one day!

"Hey Martin how did you see someone's facebook update if you were doing uni work?" Because I've got 2 monitors. Now let me get back to my story dick head!

Wait, isn't Dick head 1 word? "Dickhead" That looks better, but the Google chrome spell checker's put a red, squiggly line under it... Hmm

Anyhoo, I was all like: "remember when I used to blog? I should get back into blogging."

But then came a question. What to blog about?

I paused for a second then I came to a conclusion. I could. Blog about...

THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!

As you probably know (The chances are - if you're reading this - you're probably me.) I went to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers last Saturday. It was fucking immense. Because My good friend Scott Lang (Langsters paradise) got me a ticket from O2, I had to meet him there to get it. I also had another ticket that I'd bought so I took my girlfriend. As it turned out, the Langsta didn't get there before we reached the door to get into the actual gig. So we were there with 1 ticket between us. I know what you're thinking; "Shit! You'll be killed". Luckily though, it wasn't some mad killer with a knife at my back, It was a very nice man with a spare ticket. I was too shocked to thank him properly. I was thinking I could do that here, but no. He won't be one of the 2 or 3 people to read this.

The support band were alright. At first I thought their guitarist was on heroin or something. Though after a while I realised; he's just a hipster twat.

But nothing previously mentioned in this post - or even the entirety of this blog - bears any significance in comparison to the fact that... FLEA STARED AT ME!

Right at me!

I was all like rocking out with my fist in the air and he was like...

It was intense. I thought I might shit myself - I didn't. But afterwards, I was thinking. If I'd flattened my hand to turn my putting my fist in the air into a Nazi salute... That would've probably thrown him off. That would be pretty funny.

I think I might start blogging more often, I might make it a weekly thing or something.

Skyrim + drinking = my Friday night

2011-11-11T23:46:00.003Z

So yeah, I started playing Skyrim at about 7ish and it's now 11:48. I'm about 4 and a half Cidres in(see-dra, not psy-der) and I've just beaten a mountain goat to death with a mace. The way it's lifeless corpse fell down the side of the cliff? Funny as fuck. Having never played an Elder Scrolls game before, this is quite an experience, I'm currently wondering around some mountain. I had a horse but that died when I rode it off the ledge into some spiky rocks.

I've been given an assistant type person called Lydia and she's all like "yeah!" and "let's do that". I like her attitude, she'll go far in this business if she keeps it up. There was some bint earlier on in the game who can fucking well die for all I care. I had to follow her to something and she was walking so fucking slow, I tried to talk to her but she was all like "I've got nothing to say to you" and "mind your own business." Yo bitch! I spent forty quid on this game; anything that happens is my fucking business. I mean really, the nerve of some people... And then - because she was rude and I was bored - I hit her with my shield. Then she killed me and I had to start the whole thing again.

And then I lost her! I was like "hey! Where'd you go?". She didn't answer.

One critisism of this game though: What's with the playable character's stamina, I can run for much longer than that. And I'm unfit.

HAHAHAH

I just kicked a wolf in the face and smacked it over the head with a mace. I love this game! 10 out of 10!

Let's get bloggical

2011-10-09T18:26:00.004+01:00

bloggety blog blog de blog blog blog. Blogging!

Yeah! Blogging. I'm blogging. About something. I don't know what. I just feel like blogging. I used to blog about fuck all all the time.

Maybe I should blog about a clog...

Look, it's a clog!

*There was a picture of a clog here but it was massive and covered the whole screen. You could say it clogged up the page...*

Anyhoo, I'm back at uni. I could be doing uni work. Or I could blog about uni work.

Speaking of work. I was supposed to be working tonight but they sent me home early. Probably so I could make this post. Or because there were very few bookings. They don't care about my blog. :(

I though of some pretty funny observations the other day and was like "I should blog that shizz!". But I can't remember any of these observations. Maybe if I just keep blogging every day, my posts will start getting really good. No? maybe.

Dear bint working at the Tesco self service.

2011-08-07T15:56:00.006+01:00

Hey it's me. Yeah. can you see me? I'm the guy who's standing next to a big, red, flashing light and a monitor telling me to wait for a member of staff (that's you). I've been here for a while now. You see about 10 minutes ago when there wasn't anyone there? Well there actually was someone there - Me! Fucking me! I was standing there wondering why you're not letting me go.

Yeah, I'm this way. Over here. Why are you facing the other way? Oh, you're talking to your work mates really? They can't be that interesting. They work in a supermarket for fuck sake (That was a joke. I have a few friends who work in supermarkets and they're actually fun, interesting people - mostly).

Oh Right! you're going to help that woman over there. YOU HAD TO WALK PAST ME TO GET TO HER. Bitch. Oh and now you're helping the jakes scan all of their shopping at the top machine. Aw bless, he doesn't know how to scan the barcode on his club card. Fucking help me you stupid skank! Oh! And now you're fixing the abandoned one next to me. How about helping me here before you have another abandoned check out to deal with?

...

Ahh, back to doing nothing again? Good for you. You've had a hard 2 minutes of entering numbers on touch screens. Best take a wee rest before you deal with me. Yeah, take a seat. I'm fine just standing here.

And then she finally came over. I wasn't overly polite but I at least had the self control not to knock her out. "Do you have any ID?" Is she fucking kidding? How could I not be old enough to buy booze, I've been waiting here for 18 years. If I wasn't old enough before, I am now! I have a fucking beard and she IDs me.

I didn't have a beard when I came in.

Tesco's customer standards have plummeted since Lee left

That's right Lee. Every little DOES count.

(That wasn't a joke about him having a small cock by the way. Everyone knows that Lee's hung.)

Martin answered a question... That nobody asked :(

2011-04-13T22:42:00.003+01:00

"Man, this uni work is getting pretty stressful. I know... I'll take a break and go onto facebook to calm myself... oh wow a poll/question thing, that's bound to be entertaining..."

2 minutes later...

"Why the fuck has that deselected itself!!! Fuck Fucking fuck!!!!"

"oh look another poll I wonder what possible answers there are..."

2 minutes of reading 'there' in the place of 'their' later...

"Fuck you Fucking Facebook polls! How the fuck is anyone that fucking stupid!?!?"

I wish I could say I was the person who left that comment or at least that I was one of the 3 people who liked it but alas that would be untrue.

I Tidied up my computer Desk...

2011-02-12T01:20:00.004Z

Now I just need to tidy up my bed...

Right! To Tesco for Relentless and Doritos! I feel an all-nighter coming on...

I'm So Tired

2011-02-06T03:10:00.004Z

Well it's half 3 in the morning and I'm still awake. Why am I still awake? I just don't feel like going to bed. It's not that I'm not tired. I'm fucking knackered. I just don't feel like sleeping.

Hey! I'm an adult and I've not got anything in particular to get up for tomorrow - I don't have to go to bed if I don't want to. And you know what? Maybe I wont!

But I am fucking tired.

Why don't I want to go to bed? I don't know. Maybe the tiredness has gotten to my head and I just don't care about doing what would make me feel better. I'm comfortable with being awake right now. Why go through the transition from not being in bed to being in bed? It's a hassle.

Just wait 'till tomorrow morning (or afternoon if you're being pedantic). It'll be next to impossible to get me out of bed.

But why would you want to get me out of bed? What possible reason would you have for forcing me out of a warm, cosy bed? On a Sunday of all days!

Saying that, I don't mind being woken up. In fact I quite like it. Just as long as I don't actually have to get up. Wake me all you like losers! I'm not going to get out of that bed. Probably.

This post is 2 days late...

2011-01-31T01:23:00.002Z

That's 2 days for each year I've been blogging

That's right! Today (well not actually today, but Friday) is the 2nd anniversary of this blog.
It all started with a picture of Leggat wearing a traffic cone on his head and a bunch of jokes about Billy being a paedophile.

Here's to another 2 years of me blogging - Perhaps even 2 and a half years.

(I would've posted a picture to make this post look better but to be honest - after 2 years - the love's gone and it feels more like work)

Go Blog!

"You missed a Video Call from Leggat."

2011-01-27T03:47:00.002Z

NOOOO!

Fuck you MSN! Why would you deliver such horrific news.

Said video call would've happened about 4 hours ago when I was at the union. It could've been wonderful.

Yeah sure there'd be the awkward stage where I realise that not only is my webcam not plugged in, but it's not even been installed.

It would only take 10 minutes of me staring at an increasingly enraged Leggat before I'd get that started. Then all the camming would be wonderful.

He'd be all like; "LOLOLOL I can see you!" and I'd be like; "lolol I could see you first"
(Because it took like 10 minutes for me to install the fucking webcam)

...

(I had to find a fucking driver and everything)

...

(Not happy)

Anyway, none of that happened because I wasn't there.

All I've got are vivid imaginings of the world that could have been.

Fair well world.

...For now.

Talent Show Reject on a Blurry Screen

2011-01-25T03:50:00.004Z

So... I pub quizzed tonight. Pub quizzed hard. We even got half the answers right. most teams had more than twice as many people so it was kinda a moral victory.

But I'm not here to blog about some pub quiz - I've done that enough in the past.

What happened after the pub quiz is where it's at.

Leaving the pub quiz, everyone was pretty drunk. "What to do now?" we all slurred at each other in a somewhat aggressive manner. "Why I say, let's go to Liquid" one vomity-sicky voice said. "Good call". Good call indeed.

For those who don't know; Liquid is a nightclub in Dundee. There are probably other ones around the country, but the liquid in question is in Dundee.

So Martin? Why are are you boring us with shitty facts about some nightclub that isn't as good as Undedrground - even after underground put their prices up (the bastards).

Well Martin, (Martin? But I'm Martin. I need to stop posing questions to myself on my blog, it's getting really confusing - especially since I'm half-cut.)

Well Martin, we were going into liquid thinking 'oh, it's Monday, should be nice and cheap.'. £7 to get in! On a Monday! What the fuck!? I was happy to pay it. But still; what the fuck liquid? What the fuck?

We couldn't see what the fuss was until we got separated by a massive crowd of screaming maniacs. I could hear a PA system with a voice saying "Here he comes!".

Here who comes?

Here Wagner comes.

Apparently I'm the only person who doesn't give a fuck about this guy, yet I was within feet of him. I could've bottled him. But he had a guy. Yeah, a guy. Looked hard as fuck. Like Phill Mitchell and Grant Mitchell merged into one massive, bald ball of Eastenders hardness.

Also I throw like a girl.

Anyhoo, I was really close to this Wagner guy. Yet I couldn't give a fuck. I was closer to him than the X-factor judges were when they thought "Yeah, let's bring on another comedy act.". I was closer to him than I was to the Red Hot Chili Peppers when I saw them a few years ago - and I really like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I was also closer than some genuine Wagner fans and was actually blocking their view of him. I would've moved for them but they insisted on shouting "Wagner" at the top of their voices and blowing out my eardrums. So fuck 'em. I hope they enjoyed watching their favourite talent show reject on a blurry screen.

Wait, he didn't win did he? If he did, that last line doesn't really work. Nor does the title.

Sober Vegetarianism

2011-01-12T17:21:00.003Z

Excuse me, I'd like a Quorn steak please, nice and rare, loads of blood.

What do yo mean Quorn doesn't bleed?

Quorn isn't even an animal?

What sort of crazy restaurant is this?

Oh right, a fictional one to use as an introduction to this post.

So, for the month of January, I'm not eating meat!
(There was that cook off thing at work but it doesn't count)

But yeah. Quorn steaks!

Fucking shit.

I've discovered a new love of sun blushed tomatoes and salad in general.
I've also discovered that vegetarian versions of meat things are shit. Well quorn chicken pieces are quite nice and Tesco's meat-free burgers are pretty good but other than that, meat-free meat sucks!

As well as giving up meat, I'm also giving up alcohol for the month.

Now I know what you're thinking; Why are you doing that? They're the to best reasons to be alive!

_____________________________________

The above was written in the first 2 weeks of the month. Yeah, I lasted 2 weeks without drinking.

Which is pretty darn good by my standards.

Yes it is!

Fuck you.

OH MY (BLO)GOD!!

2011-01-12T17:08:00.004Z

so yeah... I was going to start blogging again (good ain Martin)

Well what the fuck you think I'm doing now!

Stalling? You think I'm stalling? You think I have things to say? Opinons? Stuff that I could post on this blog that matters?

Well no, I don't. But I'm going to pretend I do...

So... those Chilean miners huh? When you think they're going to get out of the mine? Wha- oh. Right, they got out. But surely they've got to go back down again. Right?
I mean they ARE miners. That's what miners do, they mine. In holes. They've had a nice, several months long holiday, time to go back down some holes.
...And hopefully get back up at the end of their shifts this time.

In conclusion, I'm blogging again. Blogging like it's 2009... or like it's 2007. I blogged a lot in 2007.

Martin's Messed Up Dreams Vol 9 - 'I invented Sodastream... in the future'

2010-11-14T14:44:00.005Z

So yeah quite a strange dream the other night. I had gone into the future to find out that I was in fact the inventor of Sodastream. Clearly, I was from before it had been invented because it came to a surprise to me when I was told. There was a woman with a broken Sodastream so I - being the gentleman that I am - decided to fix it for her. Some guy was all like; "Are you sure you can fix it? Do you have any idea how to start?"

Well I invented it apparently so fuckin' yeah I can fix it! Probably...

-IMAGE COMING SOON (I'll probably do it when I get back from work.)-

Rail fail

2010-09-01T18:59:00.001+01:00

Despite what I said in my last post, I'm not blogging on the train. so where am I? It's cold, I'm eating sugar-coated white chocolate for dinner and I'm stuck here for an hour and a half. Why yes, I'm in Aberdeen train station because my train from dundee arrived about half an hour later than it was supposed to. Fantastic.

I'd say I'm taking the situation pretty well, a guy who was sitting behind be keeps swearing and shouting. We get it, you're angry about not getting to elgin by 8pm but please, pipe the fuck down. I was going to sit somewhere else in the station, next to the praying guy by the spilled coffee, then I realised that it it wasn't coffee, it was sick - and it was still dripping out of his mouth. I don't think he was praying either.

This train station's full of weirdos. I know I'm one of them - 'that curly haired freak in a striped shirt who's barely looked up from his phone - but I shouldn't be here, I should be on the train to Elgin.

Yeah, that's right. Elgin, I'm going to be on the same train and stop as the shouty, sweary guy. I'll probably have to sit next to him too while he loudly swears into the side of my head. prick.

Oh well, that killed half an hour.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.8

new post coming soon...

2010-09-01T15:39:00.001+01:00

I'm going to write it on the train

Using my phone

There's probably going to be loads of spelling mistakes. There's something for you to look forward to.

I really don't have time to blog right now

2010-07-30T15:13:00.002+01:00

But if I did, this would be a fucking mind-blowing post. Believe me.

Time to Flog Some Blog

2010-07-25T01:56:00.002+01:00

And by "flog", I mean "blog". It's time to blog some blog. I'm gonna blog the blog outta this blog - it'll be so bloggy blogiful that blogspot will have to blog about blogging in ... well in blog.

That paragraph could've ended better. Could've started better too. The middle section was shit. It's basically a bad paragraph. My next paragraph'll be better. Much better than this one. It won't just be me apologising for earlier parts of the post. It'll be ground breaking. It'll be life changing. It'll be about how I'm watching 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

So anyway, I'm watching 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' (told you I'd mention it - this paragraph's already great). I've never seen it before, is it good? Don't tell me. I'm watching it now. I'll find out soon enough. Just like when I found out how to catch Mew in the original pokemon games. How am I watching 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit'? I can only get 5 channels on my TV - none of which are showing the film. Well I'm not actually in Dundee... That's right, I'm in the thriving metropolis that is ROTHES. There's not a lot to do around here but my parents have sky+ and I've been watching the shit outta it.

Oh, it finished. Well that was a good film. thanks for not spoiling it in the previous (and might I say; fantastic) paragraph. And speaking of finishing, this blog post has just finished. Blog you for reading.

As Seen On TV - The Exciting Conclusion of my previous post (As Not Seen On TV)

2010-07-25T01:08:00.002+01:00

Well as it turns out, The TV did go to my neighbours and my parents got it when they got home. But then there came the dilemma of getting it down here (well actually I'm in Rothes right now but let's just pretend that I'm in Dundee). DHL - who'd delivered it in the first place claim that they don't deliver TVs bigger than 32" - mine's 37". I ended up getting it delivered from City Link - "Next day delivery". They picked it up on Thursday and delivered it on Monday. Aye, good ane City Link, the bastards charged £40 for it as well. Pricks.

The TV's fucking great. I finally get to live the dream of having a massive TV in my bedroom. Though the batteries that came with the remote control were flat. Boo.

As not seen on TV

2010-07-08T15:08:00.003+01:00

Look at this, great value isn't it?
It was actually even cheaper when I ordered it the other week. It was the first thing I bought from ebay since Pokemon Blue a couple of summers ago... when I was still living at my parents' house. No, I hadn't changed my delivery address since then... And I was quite drunk so I didn't think to check the address when I was ordering it.

So what? My parents will get it.

They're on holiday.

Yeah. Shit.

Hopefully a neighbour has it or something. My parents get back on the 10th so I'll find out what happens then.

In other news, I got a new computer.

Look at that sexy fucking monitor...

21 In 5(58) days

2010-06-17T01:00:00.002+01:00

Yup - In 5 days, I'll be 21. I'm gonna get absolutely fucked. Possibly in a suit. Maybe not. But one thing's for sure. It'll be my birthday. Take that society! You Nazis!

Maybe when I'm 21, I'll stop calling people who aren't actually Nazis; Nazis. Probably not. I like calling people Nazis. You Nazi!

On the subject of fascism, leggat-meow.com still hasn't got anything on it. Leggat tells me he's doing stuff but... well... chop chop Leggat. Chop chop.

So yeah, drinking on Monday and Leggat's blog. That's basically what this post's been about. There's 5 minutes you'll never see again.

Unexpected Christmas Albums Vol2 - Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin XII days of Christmas

2010-06-14T00:56:00.005+01:00

Release Date: 25/12/72
Track Listing
1. Stairway To Christmas
2. Whole Lotta Lovely presents
3. The Snow Song
4. Jingle Bell Rock And Roll
5. Christmas in Middle Earth
6. Bron-Yr-xmas

Following the success of Led Zeppelin I(1969), Led Zeppelin II(1969), Led Zeppelin III(1970) and Led Zeppelin IV(1971). Led Zeppelin Guitarist Jimmy page decided that it was only right for the band to spend 1972 recording and releasing 8 more numbered Led Zeppelin albums. None of his band members thought it would be possible apart from bassist John-Paul Jones who egged Jimmy on saying that he should probably give each album a "quirky" subtitle. The first was January's Led Zeppelin V Live which wasn't - as the title suggests - a live album. Second was March's Led Zeppelin VI days 'till Easter - so called because of Easter happening 6 days after it was released. They then did Led Zeppelin VII th seal(May), Led Zeppelin 55 VIII - AKA The worst album ever recorded(June), Led Zeppelin IX tynine red balloons(August), Led Zeppelin X Y Z(October), Led Zeppelin XI th month of the year(November) and finally Led Zeppelin XII days of Christmas Which - because of a Christmas day release date - failed to sell well because everywhere was closed. Because No shops were open to receive the albums, the vast majority of the records perished due to the winterly weather.

Fun Fact: The cover featured the same painting - belonging to Robert Plant - as on The Band's fourth album but it had been modified to look more festive by Jimmy Page. This really pissed off Robert Plant.

Unexpected Christmas Albums Vol1 - NWA Straight Outta Crimbo

2010-06-13T12:45:00.005+01:00

Release Date: 18/12/89
Track Listing
1. Jingle Mutha-Fuckin' Bells
2. Merry X-mas Everybody (is Gunna Die)
3. Express Yourself (Festive version)
4. Black Christmas
5. Rudolph the Red Nosed Nigga
6. Fuck Tha Cavalry
7. Happy Xmas (War Is Only Just Beginning)
8. Homey it's Cold Outside
9. Fuck Tha Halls
10. Santa Clause is Coming To Compton (And We Gonna Shoot His White Ass)

The year was 1988 and NWA were feeling festive. Their 'crib' was all decorated and they had a Christmas tree so big that it could be seen from all over the ghetto. You could barely move for all the tinsel. With a mince pie in his hand and one of those hats you get out of Christmas crackers on his head, Ice Cube turned to Dr Dre and said "Yo man, let's make a Christmas album" and Dr Dre - giddy with excitement replied with "fuck yeah!". Within an hour, the whole group were there in the recording studio and by the end of the week, they had recorded what would later become Straight outta Crimbo. Unfortunately, one man stood in their way. Salvador Dali. Dali refused to believe that there was such thing as Christmas in the hood and so used his powerful mind control tricks that he'd picked up during a trip to madrid to stop the album's release. NWA pleaded with him to let the release go ahead but he simply came back to them with "Over my dead Body". As it happens, Salvidor Dali was very ill at this point and died of heart failure in January 1989. This gave the group the best part of a year to make Straight Outta Crimbo the best Christmas album ever. And boy did they succeed!

Fun fact: The cover for this album shows Dr Dre wearing his famous Santa beard which he'd go on to wear every day in December - every year until Eminem chainsawed it off of his face in 2001. Dre hasn't spoken about it since.

Damn...

2010-04-28T01:04:00.001+01:00

I should really start proof-reading my posts on here. My last entry's full of mistakes, it's ridiculous.

Stupid reading.

Mr. Healthy

2010-04-21T16:24:00.004+01:00

So I've been getting into hoummous, houmous and rice cakes. So much healthier than a bag of crisps or a tablespoon of lard. Yet just as filling. And I'm eating banana on toast right now - on white toast of course, I've gone healthy, not mental.

I've also just started taking up running, which is why my legs hurt and I walk around like Bambi (or someone with serable polsi). Last night was my second run across the Tay and it was so much easier than the first the night before. Maybe it was because I'd already done it or because I hadn't eaten a bag of onion rings before hand, but I'm hoping my third run across the Tay will be a piece of piss.

I've finally put it on You-tube...

2010-04-19T03:13:00.002+01:00

That's right, Billy gets bum faced and Leggat gets naked, happy times

Vote Nick Clegg

2010-04-09T01:23:00.004+01:00

I was listening to music on Spotify (because I'm hip and modern like that) when an advert came on about registering to vote. I thought to my self - yeah, I'll register, that'll teach those damn ignorant, right-wing, liberal, commie Nazis!

As it turns out the website is shit. It asked for my address and then went to the next page... or so I had thought. It just refreshed the fucking page.

Another loss for democracy. Way to fucking go Trotsky, you mustache wearing bastard.

Actually, did Trotsky have a mustache? I think he did. Everyone had mustaches back in those days...

Finally saw Casino Royale...

2010-04-08T14:56:00.003+01:00

It was quite good.

Though if I'm feeling pedantic (and I am) I can think of a few things that are just pure wrong.

My first point, and this is a biggie... FELIX LIGHTER'S NOT BLACK!

And Miss Money Penny's not male.

The film's based when James Bond first gets his licence to kill so it's a prequel to Dr No and the rest of the films(I'm just talking about the films in this blog, not the books). Since James Bond meets Felix Lighter in Dr No without knowing him, they couldn't have met in Casino Royal.

Not to mention, James doesn't get his Trademark Walther PPK(as originally used by THE NAZIS)until Dr No, before then, he'd been using his much loved Beretta for around a decade.

Also at one point it's said that James went to Oxford. Anyone who's seen You Only Live Twice can tell you that he got a first in oriental languages from Cambridge.

But overall, good film. There were a couple of George Lazenbyish moments towards the end and the Parkour bomb maker at the start seemed like they were just jumping on the free running band-wagon But there were some nice bits.

New posts coming soon...

2010-03-31T01:21:00.004+01:00

I assure you I'll be posting more amazing things on here, I've just been swamped lately. Bloody work, bloody uni, bloody I bought a new record player today. As you may remember, my old one broke over a year ago when I was writing this post so I've been waiting ages to hear some vinyl again.

While I spent my hard earned cash on a record player, Leggat bought something else...

http://www.leggatmeow.com

It's not much yet, but keep checking there. Fucking bookmark it. That place is gonna be fucking huge. Also, he might post there more than 6 times a year.

Licence to kill... time watching videos.

2010-03-07T01:37:00.004Z

I was at the red cross shop the other week. Not the conveniently close one I volunteer at but the smaller one that's like 558 miles up Perth road. Anyway, the other week I went on a like 50 hour walk up Perth road to the red cross shop that's there. It was pound day. All items of clothing cost £1. I got an unused, £65 shirt FOR A POUND. Yeah, I'm proud of that one. I also got a 2010 calender (about fucking time). It had cats on it. The most exciting thing I bought however was a box set of the first 18 James Bond films on VHS. I'm onto licence to kill. That's number 16 btw. I also got a job. Same day in fact. By the end of the month, I'll have money. Money. Money! I'm finally going to be able to replace my record player that broke OVER A YEAR AGO. How I've lasted a year without that sweet vinyl crackle is beyond me. I'll probably by more rum too. Lots of rum.

My blog's so 1337!

2010-02-18T15:37:00.002Z

At least the view counter was a minute ago

Happy no extra costs for single people day

2010-02-14T22:41:00.002Z

Also known as valentines day. Also known as singles awareness day. Also known as a day in which I got no cards in the post - That's either because no one loves me or because it's Sunday - or both. Or all three.

Basically, today is boring. I'm also inexplicably tired. I've been tired all day. Even though I had a great sleep last night. The router's also just reset itself so if I want some porn for a valentines day wank, I'm screwed. Though to be fair I've already had two, any more would be spoiling myself.

I bought 'Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge and other less successful characters Live' on DVD today. Thanks to the use of clubcard vouchers, it was free - basically. It was alright. Not great. I certainly wouldn't call it "shamelessly funny" like those fools at The Guardian and I definitely wouldn't describe it as "Some of the best laughs I've had all year" like those cunts at the Times. Or should I say... BEHIND the times!(Knowing Me Knowing You reference). I did like the pythonesque, closing song about how everyone's a bit of a cunt. That bit was very good.

Leggat made a new blog post

2010-02-09T22:06:00.002Z

And thus so must I!

Really, I should be doing coursework. That would be a better use of my time than blogging and watching Alan Partridge. Unfortunately, my notebook is at my friends' flat. Filled with all my undeveloped game ideas. To the untrained eye, it probably looks like the scribblings of a maniac. I'll have to get it back tomorrow... or just never do coursework again.

Blogger just auto-saved this post right before I put that last full stop in. If the internet blows up, my post will be saved without a final full stop and I'll look like an idi... oh it just saved again. Never mind.

Oh Maya God I Hate Maya

2010-02-08T11:59:00.004Z

By Maya, I don't mean "the world's going to end in 2012" Maya. I mean "stupid 3D modelling program that's actually very good but is a pain in the arse to use if you're a beginner (ie me)" Maya.

I got into the bit in Whitespace (despite what the Abertay adverts tell you, it's not the most interesting place in the world) with the computers with 2 monitors at about 11:20. The computer wasn't fully loaded up until about 11:30. It took another 10 minutes for Maya to fucking start.

Of course, because there was no sign of the program starting, I tried opening it again. Twice. It was like a time capsule of 3D Modelling. Except shit.

On top of that, the right monitor keeps disconecting from the computer whenever there's the slightest bump on the desk. Even typing this is setting it off. I would sort the caple at the computer's end, but the computer's on some sort of dodgy platform - it would probably fall off easily and I can't afford to break a computer. Not at the moment anyway. looks like it's off for good now.

Breaking barriers? More like breaking connections between computers and monitors... or something wittier than that. I don't know!

Blogging on my phone

2010-01-09T16:30:00.000Z

yup, I'm blogging on my phone. Is it because I'm cool and on the edge? No. It's because my laptop went all 558 and broke on me. Not only did it break on me, it broke on me just as I have a load of coursework to do - most of it requiring me to use a computer. Also my earphones have stopped working. It seemed like every thing is subtilly becoming fucked.

At least my blog still wor... Gjjfghjm 558errmgjkijsbnhedfgghjjkbllllllbigoldbendermjjfssgkkklghkkbu

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Jesus - in clothes hanger form!

2009-12-14T20:58:00.003Z

I was just doing some course work when all of a sudden I came across this...

I loled

Let'sco To Tesco

2009-12-14T19:32:00.003Z

I haven't had a lot of photos on my blog lately, That's because my phone (with its built in camera) won't charge. No charge = no phone. No phone = no phone camera. No phone camera = no picture of when tesco mistook a 360 version of Assassin's creed 2 for a PS3 version (the opposite of what Jonny D did.). No picture of when... well you get the picture - or not - as the case may be.

Anyway, I bought new deodorant the other night. I chose the stuff I did because it was cheaper than Africa (the deodorant, not the continent) and as it (actually it was still cheaper than the continent - much cheaper than the continent in fact. Ignore that bit about it not being cheaper than the continent of Africa.) turns out, it smelled nicer than Africa too(The deodorant, I've never smelled the continent). I also bought a woolly hat for £3 - just so my ears don't freeze off. that cold weather should be illegal or something.

While I was in Tesco buying hats and deodorant, I saw 2 people down the isle. They looked familiar, in fact they looked a lot like... Holy shit it was Billy and Jonny!. Surprise doesn't really work in the past tense, it just makes it look like I only realised it was them just now. Which I didn't! Jonny was drunk and wanted to be sick in the 'Tesco finest' section. And Billy was... well Billy. He got cigarettes.

It's probably been posted up here before, but here's a picture of Billy smoking...

Ho ho ho-ly shit it's nearly Christmas!

2009-12-12T20:33:00.004Z

Less that 2 weeks 'till Christmas and I've bought like no presents. I got * **** ***** ****** for ******* and some other stuff for ***** ******. But that's about it. GOOD JOB I LIVE IN THE CITY CENTRE! I can't move for all the shops. Well I can but I usually just move into another shop - usually Debanhams. Google Chrome's spell checker lists "Debanhams" as a spelling error, it offers Clydebank as a possible correction. Stupid internet...

As I type this, I'm watching the snooker semi-final match. O'Sullivan versus Higgans. It's exciting. O'Sullivan just had one of those "ohhh-ahhh" type moments. But then he had a brilliant fluke and potted the yellow.

oooh, Higgans just had a massive miss.

Anyway, I leave you with this piece of brillience.

Enjoy...

DOSing about

2009-12-02T02:47:00.004Z

I remember being a kid, my parents had a computer with Windows 95 - it was the most amazing thing ever. Well, for the time anyway - it's shite by today's standards. Anyway, I remember my dad had gotten a bunch of floppy disk games on the cheap for some reason. Most of them either didn't work - or were rubbish but there was one game that I played a lot. Probably One of the first games that I played religiously...

Fucking 'Jill of the Jungle'!

Look at that sexy pixelated bitch - she fucks the shit outta Samus Aran!

I'd forgotten the game existed (to an extent) until today when I had a brainwave - I started by searching for "Jane of the Jungle". There's no such thing. Then something saying "Jill of the Jungle" came up. THAT WAS IT! As it turns out, Jill of the Jungle was an early release by Epic - the games company behind Gears of War. They've come a long way.
I decided to download a DOS emulator (because apparently, Command Prompt just isn't good enough) and a freeware version(or was it a shareware version) of Jill Of the Jungle. After a wee bit of re-learning how to open programs using commands, I had the game up and running, it was glorious. All the sound effects where there to remind me of my youth - the high pitched noise fire-birds make when they fly into something, the sinister laughing that happens whenever Jill dies - it's all there. After about half an hour, I'd completed the game. It was totally worth all the hard work. I then went to see what other DOS games were out there for me to get my hands on. I've got a few so far including "a demonstration version of the forthcoming game 'Lemmings' from Psygnosis."

Martin's Messed Up Dreams Vol 8 - Poo in a sink

2009-11-30T14:05:00.004Z

Probably one of the most messed up dreams I've ever had.

Waking up within the dream, I'm told that in the previous night, I'd gotten very drunk and shat in a sink. It wasn't just any sink, it was a sink in a posh hotel type place. I had to go there and clean it. Everyone there was very nice - considering I did a shit in their sink. Though as it turned out, there was a lot of suspicion that it hadn't been me. I was just a scape-goat! Towards the end, things got strange as a bunch of internet phenomenons that don't actually exist started popping up.

I hope you die you pen-hogging bitch!

2009-11-04T16:56:00.004Z

So anyway, I was in a lecture the other morning but I didn't have a pen to sign the register with. It was first thing on a Monday morning - I'm not exactly Mr organised am I? So when the girl next to me passed the signing sheet thing I asked if I could borrow her pen so that I could sign it. "No". She fucking said no! What a stuck up bitch! Who the fuck says no to letting someone use a pen to sign their name on a register?!? Did she think I was going to run away with it or something? I mean how can such stuck up cunts make it that far in life?

Maybe she mis-heard me or something and thought I was asking if I could kill her or rape her mum or something. But probably not. I hope her pen kills her or at least leaks in her pockets - that would fucking teach her!

In other news, I have no internet. That's right, I'm blogging in public. It's like I'm fucking French!

(they probably blog in public)

Anyway, it's been great blogging again - even if no one reads this - which is likely to be the case.

My 100th post

2009-11-04T16:55:00.001Z

Yay. 100 posts. I fucking rule.

Happy face.

That post that I said I'd do today...

2009-10-20T17:15:00.002+01:00

My nail-clippers are in Dundee.
Unfortunately, I am not.
I hate typing with long finger nails. It just feels wrong. But hey! You haven't come onto my blog to hear about my poor self-grooming - that's probably something people say - you're here to... uh, um I, I, I'm not sure why you're here. I don't even know why I'm here - story of my life.

The next part of this post can be found on my new games-related blog; Gamer-soup

Anyway, enough of that shameless plug.

Debenhams, Debenhams, Debenhams, actors, Debenhams; it's fucking massive. There's a Game in it. That's a shop within a shop within a shopping centre! And to top it all off, I think my gay flatmate Johnny might fancy me, the other day I caught him sniffing a pair of

Update Needed

2009-10-20T02:37:00.001+01:00

Christ, it's been weeks since I've updated this... fuckin' rental blog.

I'm going home tomorrow so I'll blog then... promise!

God Bless Female Masturbation

2009-09-30T17:26:00.003+01:00

What a day, I was just volunteering at my local British Red Cross shop today(because I'm great like that), when a women came in. She was the dodgy looking, jakey, junky type but because it's Dundee, that's pretty common. She took her black jacket off and put it on the floor, then took a white jacket off the shelf, and tried it on. She stepped into the changing room, looked at herself with the jacket on in the mirror and then took it off. She then carried the jacket around the shop as she looked around. I went for a break at this point and then; "Martin, did you serve that woman?". I hadn't. Turns out she stole the jacket. We tried to see if she was along the road. No sign of her. She was gone; or so we thought. We then saw that she was in the British Heart Foundation next door. I told the manager about the women but by then, she'd left the shop. Where was next? Someone else from the red cross shop saw her go into Ann Summers.
It seemed like she'd gotten away. A guy I was working with chose this as the time to cash a cheque he'd gotten earlier so he left the shop - only to return a second later; "Guess who I just saw getting escorted into Ann Summers by a police officer.". That made everyone's day. As it turns out, She'd stolen a couple of vibrators from there last Friday so they had her on CCTV and someone pressed the Panic button.

The white jacket will be returned to the shop and the scummy bitch has been arrested.

"that's not a set of bongos, it's just a small table shaped like bongos"

2009-09-26T00:26:00.005+01:00

Well well well, look at me, half past midnight on a Friday night (or Saturday morning if you're being pedantic.) and I'm sitting on my own in the living-room of my flat - feeling kinda tired. At 20 years of age, I should be out at a club getting drunk and partying. But instead I'm sitting on my sofa (kinks song) and posting on my blog whilst pointing out all of my accidental Kinks references. Just added the word 'blog' to the Google chrome spell checker. Apparently I have to add 'Google' as well...

Adding words to the spell checker dictionary, THAT'S HOW I'M SPENDING MY FRIDAY NIGHT... or Saturday morning to be precise.

Two drunk girls are walking around on the other side of the road, they're laughing. Looks like they're having a good time. I bet I'll live longer than them. It'll certainly seem that way. Especially if I spend all my Friday nights like this. I might read a book later... yeah, that'll be good.

Maybe I'm nackered because it's been the first week of actual work at uni... I say actual work, lectures aren't exactly hard labour are they? Still, getting up in the morning is shite. I'm getting Tuesday and Wednesday off this week, after that it might just be Tuesdays I get off - hopefully not.

I broke 200 Tweets on Twitter today - just to keep my cool streak going.

On a brighter note... Last weeks Peep Show (first in the series) was mediocre to say the least, and this weeks episode? This week's episode was so good that me and Leggat hugged. Not in a gay way or anything... a manly hug *grunt* and a manly kiss...

Not so fresh now! Are we!?!?!?

2009-09-19T13:58:00.003+01:00

So Freshers week - freshotpospher - freshipeshipopy - Freshers week. Abertay's freshers week is almost over. I've met like 2 freshers. I supose the only reason I met more last year was because I was living with them but... blueargh who cares?

Another thing about last year was that I didn't have swine flu, well I don't have swine flu right now (probably) but I do have a cough that's been going on for 2 weeks. *cough*

Freshers week its self has been pretty shite this year. The Pub quiz was on at 5:30. Who the fuck goes to a pub quiz at 5:30. Not us, we went at half 8. And were late. There was the school Disco thing where you had to go in school uniform. What kinda school makes you wear a uniform to a disco - Though saying that, if a girl dressed as slutty as that at my school, they would've been sent home. I'm not complaining - I'm just saying - not exactly accurate is it?

There was a special celebrity guest... I say celebrity, it was Sree from Big Brother. I don't know him either, all I know is that you had to pay to have your photo taken with him - and for some reason, some people did.

Now here's what should've been the theme tune to the last Bond film

Flat 8 = yay

2009-09-14T14:13:00.007+01:00

Just looking at a message at the bottom of the page "Draft autosaved at 14:14" I haven't typed anything yet and already my blog is saving the post. Now that's over-protective!

Anyway, Exactly 1 year ago today I moved into Alloway halls - it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. brb food. I just put some toast on, by the end of this post, I'll probably have eaten it. Though Toast does remind me of Alloway, Me and Gary used to always eat Toast - it's just one of the ways we bonded. And of course there's Simmo, the Flat 8er who's most likely to be reading this (Hi Simmo). Grant (Persh) might read it, though that may be a long shot, He wasn't there last night in the union when we were all rocking out to Journey so I'm going to post a picture of him naked onto the internet

What a guy - hung like a horse.

Simmo wasn't there last night but I don't have any pictures of him naked, I think I was the only person who wasn't there when he was all naked and stuff.

How could a post about flat8... or about anything not mention the notorious DTI. Danny was purely Terryiffic (his surname was Terry - still, it's a pretty Terryble pun). When you watch the Matrix with Danny, you don't just finnish there, you go back the next day and watch The Matrix Reloded - Then the Beverly Hills Cop Trillogy - Then the Matrix Revolutions (we couldn't go straight from Reloaded to Reveloutions because Gary Was borrowing it so Beverly HIlls Cop 1,2 and 3 kept us going until he got up for work.

To describe Alloway in one word, I'd have to say "Braw". Fife volcabuary courtesy of Mr William O'neil - The man, the myth, the goal-keeper. he once made the mistake of leaving his bedroom door open and going away for the weekend...

We just happened to have few cups lying around...

The cups idea actually belonged to the oldest member of Flat 8; Stephan (I forgot your Middle name) Mcginley (I think that's how it's spelled). Known worldwide for his big Tattoo and his half hour wanks, Stephan is the kind of guy I can talk about doing things with 'Nazi German bints' with for hours.

Last but certainly not least - Lee 'the python' Malcolm. He knows who Mr Boom is and so do I. In a way we're kindred spirits - though I think we all know that Lee's only going to have one true love...

(Gordon, not the sheep)

This day, September 14th shall forever be known as international 'Flat 8' day. Rejoyce!

cough

2009-09-12T23:08:00.002+01:00

I've got a bit of a bad cough at the moment. *cough*

See, I just coughed. Cough medicine doesn't seem as strict as paracetimals. Sure, I'm only meant to have 10mls but if I take 20 - I probably won't die - And there's nothing stopping me from using bennilynn AND Buttercup!

*cough*

I'll make a better blog-post later

Martin's Messed Up Dreams Vol 7 a cheesy murder mystery

2009-09-04T13:31:00.002+01:00

Last night, I had one of those "midsummer murders" dreams. But it was darker. Some girl had managed to leave clues about who murdered her and where she'd been burried. Oh yeah, the girl had been murdered by the way. There had been other bodies found but no one knew who'd done it. The girl had been burried under a shed from within the shed, the evidence that showed the police this was in the form of grated cheese... it was a green cheese. Grated by the murder victim herself!

Good Deeds

2009-09-03T22:12:00.004+01:00

I was in Tesco earlier and on my way out I saw a man going to get a trolly. It's been raining steadily all day so the trollies were all wet, my one was dry because I took it from one of the few sheltered trolly areas and I'd also just done a load of shopping (well one bag's worth). I said to him "here have mine, it's probably drier than the other ones." (or something like that) and he said "thanks" (or it might've been "thank you", he at least used some word(s) to express grattitude). I thought to myself 'there's my good deed for the day.

But then I remembered that I'd done 3 and a half hours of volunteer work for the British Red Cross earlier. I'd destroyed the good/evil balance in the world.

And that's why I drowned that kitten.

Oh Shit...

2009-09-02T23:06:00.002+01:00

I think we all know what this means...

rip internet

Recreational Cricket is Criminal!

2009-09-02T21:39:00.004+01:00

I was just on twitter (join it if you haven't) when I noticed I had some new followers. Hmm,who's this? I'll read the Bio "The Lord’s Taverners is one of the UK’s leading youth sports and disability charities and the official charity of recreational cricket."

How can recreational cricket have an official charity!?!?

Also, Recently there was a film about bank robber John Dillinger called Public Enimies. It starred Johnny Depp, but after seeing a picture of The real John Dillinger...

I've got to say, I don't think Johnny Depp looks like him.

Though... if Dillinger were a bit older...

shitty art dreams

2009-08-29T23:03:00.003+01:00

So... you may or may not have noticed that I posted a new volume of 'Martin's Messed up dreams', you didn't? Oh fuck you then! I try and I try but it's never good enough for you, maybe I should just hang myself as I write this post! Would that make you happy!?!? Would it?!

Wow, I seem to have gone off on a bit of a self-destructive tangent there. Never mind, I was just blogging to say that I've added MS Paint illustrations to all my messed up dreams posts. I just thought it would make them seem that much more real. My dreams are often in the style of a small child (and/or kinda simple adult) using paint.

You can see all of the *cough* artwork here

Martin's Messed Up Dreams Vol 6 - The Late Late Breakfast Show With Bill Bailey

2009-08-29T21:44:00.005+01:00

Some dreams are just fragments of he past day mixed together to form images in your head... well most are. But the other night I had a dream that - to be quite honest - is one of the greatest ideas ever to be concieved(Though that's what I said about the girl with a massive toenail).

Picture this...

Bill Bailey walking along a suburban street in the late evening, he's in a dressing gown and has a newspaper under his arm, as he walks along people (some famous, some not famous) all who wave and say hi to him. He walks upto a flat, there are 2 front doors - each for different flats. A man is at the door on the right and Bill goes to the one on the left. They share a glance before going into their respective flats, the camera follows the man on the right as he enters the flat and turns on the tv. The camera then zooms into the TV to reveal Bill, dressed the same as he was outside holding the same news paper walking into a studio living room with a live audience. A voiceover says "It's the Late, Late Breakfast Show with Bill Bailey!". Bill then procedes to read vairous topical news stories from the paper and makes jokes about them. At one point, he's going to do a cook along with a complicated recipie and make a mess all over his dressing gown which he then takes off to reveal another Dressing gown under it. It'll be comedy gold.

Another Post About What I'm Watching On TV

2009-08-22T21:06:00.002+01:00

I hate Philip Scolefield. Always have done. That silver haird fucker. He probably has sex with kids. Not children, but goats. Some times he kills the goats and fucks ghosgoats. That sick fuck. Oh christ, there's a blonde bimbo on TV who's already refered to herself as "crazy" and has claimed to be doing it to "prove that not all blonds are ditzy". That's possibly the quickest I've learned to hate someone. She just fucked her challenge up - Ditzy bitch.

I'm watching the cube by the way. Charlie Brooker mentioned it in an article that Leggat sent me, I've been watching a lot of screenwipe lately(Which you should totally watch by the way.). It's well good.

Hogan knows... best?

2009-08-21T12:30:00.003+01:00

There's a Hulk Hogan film on BBC2. He's got a simmilar acting style to Dean Learner in garth marenghi's darkplace - in that he can't act. The main difference is, he's not acting like he can't act. He can't act. Luckily for the Hulkster, everyone else in this film is bad at acting. There's a parrot that can talk. I don't mean saying the same things over and over again, I mean it can speak full conversations with people. Real parrots don't do that. At one point, a bunch of prople were trying to push a car out of the sand, no one could. Then Hogan comes along and pushes it out himself. He's like a kids' TV version of Arnie.

All the bad guys in this film seem to be black. Maybe Hulk Hogan's a little racist.

Now we're gonna play 'spot the Alan Partridge reference'

The mystical adventures of ghost toilet and the phantom shits

2009-08-18T21:49:00.001+01:00

Episode 1. In the bath

What's this? A week without any posts and now 2 posts in one day!??! What will I do next?

2009-08-18T13:36:00.002+01:00

A few weeks ago, Simmo mentioned the Matt Berry/Rich Fuller (That might be the wrong spelling, I don't care enough to check) sketch show; Snuff Box via twitter (which by the way, if you haven't got it yet, you're a loser. Get with the times - before it gets comercialised and crap like Facebook and Bebo.). As a seemingly direct result, I decided to watch the series in it's entirety. It was pretty good.

I haven't blogged in over a week :O

2009-08-18T11:45:00.003+01:00

Why the fuck am I watching Channel 5? You know it's bad when Trisha is the best thing on TV. Oh now House is on, I've never watched it before. Wow, Hugh Lorrie is just as annoying as an American as he is as Percy from Blackadder. At least Blackadder's funny.

Anyway, as the title of this post tells you, I haven't blogged in over a week... colon oh. I'm going to the Red Cross shop in a couple of hours to volunteer... or find out about volunteering... or to steal stuff. Probably not the latter though.

Wow, House just made a joke about Germans taking there anger out on the Jews. It's not even mid-day yet!

I think I could get into this whole 'House' program.

A post about Tesco!!!

2009-08-10T17:41:00.002+01:00

Where to go? where to go? You can go left to the small one or right to the big one. Unless you're on the other side of the road, then it's the other way around. I prefer the big one. Being bigger it has more stuff and it's not any busier than the small one so you get served quicker. Also there was that thing with the balls in the small one but I try not to think about that.

When you get there, you take a trolly. Or you take a basket but I prefer a trolly unless I'm not getting a lot of stuff - even then, I sometimes take a trolly. Better safe than sorry.

Then you shop.

Then comes the time to pay. You can go to a self-service check out. Although they usually work well enough and you don't have the unbearable task of interacting with another human being, the machines can be awkward.

At the check out you have the shop assistant. Their badges say "happy to help". Clearly that's irony as these people are the most miserable bastards in the world. The make me look happy and I'm a humourless dick... but not really. They look at you with disgust and ask "Do you want bags?". Of course I fucking want bags? how do you think I'm going to carry £20 worth of groceries to my flat? Magic powers!??! You've been working here since 2005(I can tell by looking at the badge - Tesco employees have the year they started working there on a badge - as a reminder of when they stopped being people and began being EMPLOYEES) how can you not know that I need bags. They don't like giving bags away you see. When they eventually do give you bags, they give you the bare minimum. They don't want to run out you see. They only have a few million to give away each day.

Back in my Alloway - wake at 3am days, I was watching the early morning BBC news24 show. They were talkng about excess packaging and it's effect on the environment. One woman wrote in saying that she took things out of their packaging before leaving the shop so that she wouldn't have to deal with excess packeging. Mental bitch

19(55)84

2009-08-05T23:05:00.004+01:00

For some reason(I don't know why), I have(well actually I do know but that get's in the way of the story so forget that)an audiobook of George Orwell's 1984 on my mp3 player. I haven't listened to it yet - well not properly. Over the last few nights I've been listening to it through my xbox(Yeah, I use modern technology) as I lie in bed. Unfortunatly, each segmant is around 40 minutes long and as I'm in bed, I'm fairly tired. Like most tired people in bed, I tend to fall asleep. I've heard the first half hour about 3 times so far. I think I'm probably going to know the first half hour off the top of my head. As for the rest, well that's probably going to be in my head somewhere. As it turns out, listening to an audiobook of 1984 messes with your dreams. I can't remember what any of these dreams are, but at the time of waking up, I knew it was because of that damn audiobook. I have found myself being more paranoid about the forces above. TVs definatly seem to be watching me just as much - if not more that I watch them.

I might bring back the "Martin's messed up dreams" posts. I can't remember how many I did. 5ish? Who cares?

beart heat

2009-08-04T16:21:00.002+01:00

Leggat's away home, Sam's away home and Johnny's... I don't know where Johnny is.

An advert on TV just asked me; "imagine if clothes were made of flowers" WTF!?!?

I'm watching Heartbeat. That's what my life has come to. Someone on it just shouted "Bill!". It was like the best thing ever! Last time I watched it, there was a Beatles song, I'm hoping a Kinks song comes on. Of course a program like heartbead would require quite a special sponsor. Macdonalds? Tesco? No, it's sponsored by Yorkshire. Yeah, the county. Fuck businesses, Heartbeat is spnsored by Yorkshire.

I can't wait 'till Leggat gets back so we can get drunk and view office spaces.

I'm bloggin' and I hope you like bloggin' too.

2009-08-03T17:52:00.007+01:00

Look at me, I'm posting in my blog - unlike a certain Martin Leggat Yeah that's right! We share a first name!

Anyway. As I was saying, I'm posting on my blog. I was tidying my room - I'll get back to that when I've finished this post. "But Martin!" (how do you know my name?) "Didn't you tidy your room less than a month ago" (oh right, I said it earlier in the post) "how can your room not still be tidy from then?" Well, fictional enquirer, Just after I'd finished tidying my room last time, I had to move everything into the middle of the floor for the bugman. The bugman never came, he got killed by a killer ant or something(killer ants - worse than swine flu). Luckily another Bugman came about 3 days later and sprayed the flat. I've just about finished recovering from it - oh look, a meal worm crawling out of the edge of my room. wait, that's no meal worm.

Fucking killer ants!

"I don't hate vests"

2009-08-01T14:55:00.002+01:00

I can't think of anything to blog about. I actually can't think of a thing. I'm not going to let that stop me from blogging...

There was someone getting arrested across the road the other day. I might have mentioned that in another post - I just don't know. I got Ordained recently, despite what nico says I'm a real reverend - it says so here

I I I I I can't think of anything so I'm going to play Left 4 dead until my clothes are washed. I hate washing machines.

wheely fucked up stuff

2009-07-29T10:45:00.004+01:00

I was commenting on another blog earlier and I got that stupid anti-bot verification thing looking a bit like this...

Now fair enough it's there to stop spam, but it's just so damn inconvenient.

The one thing that got me though was the small picture next to where you type. A picture of a wheelchair. In the magical world of the internet, what does having a wheelchair have to do leaving a comment on a blog? Surely I'm not the only one who can type without walking, wheelchair people should be able to aswell. Maybe if you're on a wheelchair, you can't read the funny text they have and pressing the button gives an alternitive way of sharing this information. I decidd to press the button and a voice started playing. Did the voice say what the letters were? I don't think it actually did. it was all backwardsy - quite scary really. Kept saying something about "saint N?" and how he sad and had a tool shed or somthing, then it wend on to say someone (I didn't get the name) was a "big ol' bender". Clearly, disabled people can't read funny text but can hear sounds if they are played in reverse - that's a sciento-logical (nothing to do with scientology)fact.

This post contained 2 made up words and countless spelling mistakes - I'm sure Leggat will find them and point them out for/at me.

Post #75

2009-07-27T14:46:00.006+01:00

Yes, it's my 75th post here!!!

It seems like just yesterday (or at least the day before yesterday) that I was writing my 67th post spectacular. Though this actually is the 75th - the 67th one was actually my 64th or something. I fucked up.
Leggat didn't blog yesterday so I cut myself. But not really. I remember one time he said he was going to blog about a circus or something - but a circus with something unusual about it. Do you remember Leggat? No? Oh never mind then.
I was in WHSmith today. They have a special rack for "The magazine of the week" though there were actually a few different magazines - all about Michael Jackson. When I die, I hope I get on a WHSmith magizine of the month. That's the dream.

Now for another bargain from the lovely people at Tesco...

In other news, someone got arrested across the road yesterday, it was pretty cool. Especially since the person getting arrested was Johnny V - all those days of stealing from charity boxes have finally caught up on him.

well join me next time for Post #76

bye.

EDIT: I just found out some more information on the power ranger actor on death row story. Turns out the guy on death row was an extra in an episode and he killed a couple on a boat... as you do.

You Have The Power (unless you're dead)

2009-07-26T22:53:00.006+01:00

So...

I left my last post on a mention of something I liked as a kid, but another (more mainstream) thing I liked as a kid was...

POWER RANGERS!!!!!!

Man, they kicked ass, but where are they now?

I've heard a lot of stories about them. I've heard that some of them have ended up in porn, that one of them died in a car crash during 9/11 and even that one of them's on death row. But how much of this is true and how much of it's Bullshit? Well to cut a long story short, the 9/11 story is the only one that comes close.

Jason, He was the Red Power Ranger; everyone's favourite. Played by... *opens wikipedia* Austin St. John.
here's what he looked like in 2007...

He's a paramedic now, not exactly pornography...

Then there's the Black power ranger. What rhymes with black? Zack! So that's what they called him. They also made him a black guy... racism lol.
I'm not going to post a picture of what he looks like but look at the opening page to his website... http://www.walteremanueljones.com/
wow, just wow. He only has 9 fingers.

And what about the blue Power Ranger, he was Billy - The geek you learn to love and all that sort of stuff... now he does stuff for AIDs or something. No one really cares about him anyway.

Then there's the yellow Power Ranger who was of course asian. There's that underlined racism getting back in again... Her name was Trini, that's not really racist though so nevermind. She was played by Thuy Trang who died September 2001 but on the 3rd and in San Francisco. Turns out she was 27 when she died how rock and roll...

None of the other ones have done anything excitng either. Yeah, I'm disapointed too.

I forgot the title and labels...

2009-07-26T02:44:00.003+01:00

so Leggat's going to update his blog every day huh? well I'm going to update mine everytimme he updates his. Just because I can... and have nothing better to do.

he's posted on his blog 2 days in a row so I'm due another post. I'll do it when I'm less tired, it'll be about the power rangers.

Anyway, there's a green rabbit that's been haunting my mind since I was a child I knew his face but not his name, then I found out he was called Bucky O'hare. That's the whole story.

RIP Leggat

2009-07-23T20:32:00.005+01:00

Leggat's not actually dead (unless he died in the last couple of hours, in which case; my bad.) he's just gone home for a week or 2. We got water balloons yesterday and a thing for making giant bubbles but that's got little to do with this anecdote(I MIGHT mention it later). The story really started when we threw them at a bus... what a brilliant idea (or maybe I should say "water balloonient idea". that's actually a bit too forced, "water brilliant idea" would probbably get a better reaction but I want to go over-board with this pun. If you go over-board on a boat, you end up in water which brings me back to the subject I was talking about - water. Well water in balloon form anyway) ... I compltely lost where I was because of all that stuff I put in brackets. In the end, some guy shouted at Leggat and tried to kill us... unsuccessfully.

To break the post up a little, here's what me and Leggat did with Johnny's guitar...

He "lost sleep over this".

I would've written this post a little earlier but the router restart its self so I decided to poo instead.

Oh Crab!

2009-07-20T15:06:00.004+01:00

I just realised that I said "crap" instead of "crab" a couple of posts ago... there, fixed. Oh, and by "I just realised", I mean Leggat told me about it half an hour ago.
I don't want to jynx it but I think I've fixed my sleeping pattern and I did a big part of my uni re-assessment thing. It's not even due in for a month I'm so on top of things it hurts. "If only you worked this hard at the time you idiot". Fuck you. You're always so pessimistic - whoever you are. Anyway, there's guy across the road and he was cleaning the window - FROM OUTSIDE. It was like a middle-aged spiderman - and I mean all kinds of spiderman! (A little something there for the old school blog followers - i.e. Billy. Hi Billy *waves*)

The window guy's just moved onto the next window - I shall watch in anticipation. I might even watch with my ping pong ball eye(A little something there for people who know about the ping pong ball eye i.e. (eye ee) Leggat). He was leaning against the window with a flat hand, he looked a bit like a mime - except it was real glass. How exciting.

"This country..."

2009-07-18T11:32:00.005+01:00

I went to the jobcenter earlier this morning. They weren't doing job searches today, instead, they were just doing benefit claims... That's right, you go to find work but instead they offer you money for nothing - what an incentive. No wonder the country's gone to shit. I say "gone to shit", I don't think it's that bad - yet. Though I could do with a job, apparently I'm not good enough for McDonald's. The other day, Stacey said I looked like the Nutty Professor, Eddie Murphy? But I'm not black - yet.

It's raining outside... I'm talking about the weather, that's what this post has come to. Maybe a picture could change the subject.

...

Oh Josef you crazy fool *shakes head at Josef Fritzl's crazy foolishness*.

The Austrian version of 'Upstairs Downstairs' - if you don't make it, Sky will!

Sleep is for the weak

2009-07-16T05:50:00.006+01:00

I seem to have evolved past needing to sleep. Though I will sleep eventually (probably). I Think I'm going to go for a walk, last time I went for a walk at this time, it was beautiful.

The tay looked like that...

And this picture of the other thing speaks for its self...

I also saw a crab (crab's nest lol), it seemed to be trying to reach for me - so I ate it... tasted like Starburst.

I Reset The Blog Counter!

2009-07-11T15:16:00.003+01:00

It's like I've got a brand new blog. The last one seemed kind of wrong since most of the views were Leggat *shakes fist at Leggat*.

I was going to write a much longer post but my finger nails are too long so I won't.

7 - 8 - 9 ... If you're American!!!!!!!

2009-07-08T03:43:00.006+01:00

They put the month before the date over there - hence the high rate of gun crime.

Anyway, enough of me insulting the most powerful nation in the world(for now), my room has almost made it to a state of perfection. I was up till 5am yesterday tidying and I'll probably do the same now but my room is actually starting to look tidy - not bad considering I don't have anything for storing clothes other than a cardboard box - Oh and since I still haven't got any fucking keys!
My landlord said he'd get them for me sometime after 5pm and it's now 3:50am - He's cutting it fucking short.

I found the cable for connecting my phone to my laptop but I can't be arsed getting it right now so this post won't have any pictures in it - unless I find a good one on my laptop...

I'm trying to upload a GIF of Alan Partridge playing airbass but it doesn't seem to be working. If it uploads before I've finished this post, I'll include it.

Speaking of enve- oh it loaded...

damn, the animation won't work.

anyway...

Speaking of envelopes, Leggat ran my toe over in Tesco today. A little girl started laughing at my pain but I soon wiped the smile of her face - with a gun.

Yeah, this post went quite sour at the end didn't it?

Happy Birthday Lee

2009-07-04T19:25:00.002+01:00

He almost definatly won't read this - that's why I texted him - making this post completely useless.

...

Fuck you society.

The 67th Post Spectacular

2009-07-04T02:29:00.004+01:00

That's right! It's the 67th post spectacular... Nothing too special, it's just an exciting(ish?) title. 67's an exiting number! It's 491 less than 558. It's the year that The Beatles released Sgt. Peppers and I Am The Walrus (one time I bought £19.63 worth of shopping and when the checkout lady said "That's £1963" I said "The year of the Beatles' first album." based on her reaction, she's not a Beatles fan and doesn't appreciate Beatles trivia - bitch.) And it's also the age of that guy on the cider bottle Kenzie left here - though actually, he could've been 66 I don't have to make this post you know! I was actually going to do about 6 loads worth of ironing right now. But Leggat came in my room and said "you haven't blogged in a while". It was a pretty short conversation and seeing as Leggat hasn't blogged in almost a week it was a little hypocritical to be honest. That's right Leggat, BLOG MORE! And Billy! You need to blog more too! You haven't blogged since early May! I'd also like to see Simmo and Kenzie blog more too but that's another story.

Anyway I was going to tidy my room and iron my clothes but instead I'm writing a blog and listening to Supergrass (actually I'm listening to The Kinks but that's like so predictable so I'm saying Supergrass instead). I have to stop for a minute because I hear people outside and I want to tease them with my strongbow can on a string. Damn, someone stole it - snapped it right off the string. I guess there is such a thing as pure evil.

Speaking of pure evil, Stacey signed me up to work at McDonald's (I did it before but apparently I was "too honest"). By the way I'm not saying Stacey's evil, I'm calling McDonald's evil - big difference. Though Stacey did call me a "lazy shite" the other day - I think she's a little bitter about me beating her at that 'friends' game. Stacey's a bad loser.

Recently, my life has revolved heavily around either playing Xbox, making pasta(I'm going to invent the greatest pasta sauce known to man - I told Leggat already - tell them Leggat!) and going to Tesco(no, not Tesco Extra). Tesco's great but they don't seem to sell hoi sin sauce - or water balloons.

I have some pictures that I plan on posting on the blog along with related anecdotes - some funny, some tragic. But I can't find the cable for my phone because my room's so unorganised. It doesn't help that I don't have a chest of drawers. I suppose I should go do that ironing now - after all, those clothes aren't going to iron themselves - or are they?

What about the elephants?

Take It To The Bridge

2009-07-03T18:18:00.004+01:00

I haven't blogged since turning 20.

Here's a picture I made.

"Time you got a watch"

2009-06-21T19:58:00.002+01:00

After all those months of having to use my phone and/or friends to tell the time, I've now got a watch. Happy days! Why did I get a new watch? Because it's my 20th birthday! Yeah, happy birthday to me. I also got an Xbox and Resident Evil 5 - not that you care. Maybe you did... did you? oh? no. :(

I'm planning on writiing an old style blog post, like the ones I used to do a couple of years ago

I even went to Tesco Extra.

Spam Gets Scary

2009-06-17T23:51:00.003+01:00

Now I've got a lot of unread e-mails (5208 to be precise) but that's because I can usually tell from the subject that it's not worth reading (why don't I delete them? I have better things to do with my time). Recently though, a couple of emails have have gotten my attention through pure fear. I got an e-mail from "HM Prison Service" with the subject "We're all ears". I was terrified. Had I done something illegal. Are they questioning me about a murder or something via e-mail? No as it turns out, they want me to do a survey about prisons ...as if I'd know anything about that.

I also had an e-mail the other day with the subject "No Laughing Matter" I was horrified until I found out it was about a sale at Visaprint. Vistaprint by the way, take up a fair amount of the spam in my mail box. Those bastards.

Truly, the internet has made the world a terrible place to live.

My Last Week as a Teenager

2009-06-14T18:04:00.003+01:00

I'm going to be 20 in a week. That's just 10 years less than 30! And THAT'S JUST 10 YEARS LESS THAN 40!!!!

Clearly, the end (of my time as a teenager) is neigh

Channel 4's on right now

2009-06-11T18:59:00.006+01:00

I saw a bit of hollyoaks for the first time in ages. turns out there's a hot lesbian in it now. That's a pleasant surprise. Also someone in this year's Big Brother is called 'half-wit'. Now there's someone that the average big brother viewer should be able to relate to.

Leggat and I are planning on pretending to be lecturers at Dundee College.

A guy on the channel 4 news is talking about swine flu. He says although it's spreading slowly at the moment, it'll probably going to "really kick-off" (his words, not mine) in autumn. I can't wait.

There was also something about a car bomb so here's a picture of bomberman.

In other news, there's a new episode of That Mitchell and Webb Look tonigt

"What's your name"

2009-06-11T15:11:00.001+01:00

"I don't know, no one's told me yet"

oh Calum...

You silly Nazis you!

2009-06-08T22:21:00.004+01:00

So the BNP got a couple of seats in europe or something. I'm still not certain what that means but I've got the feeling that it's not a good thing because seats mean power (I assume) and the BNP are Nazis. I was at a socialist thing last week. Tommy Sheridan was there. What a guy. He really doesn't like the BNP so neither do I!

Now a lot of people will say things like "Martin you lazy cunt, how can you complain about politics if you can't even be bothered voting" Fuck you, I still pay VAT on things that I buy, I can complain as much as I want (by the way, good luck to Leggat at his guitar hero tournement thing on Wednesday). If I voted, the BNP would still have gotten those chairs so it doesn't even matter!

yay for google

2009-06-06T12:56:00.002+01:00

^look at today's google logo. How cool is that?!?!?!?

"ONE MORE THING!"

2009-06-05T21:42:00.004+01:00

So I'm just sitting here with Calum (That's what I call Johnny V now). We're watching Jackie Chan Adventures on You tube. The character's much younger than Jackie himself. It's quite funny. His uncle did some magic trick thing OVER THE PHONE. The cartoon actually has fuck all to do with Jackie Chan, but he randomly appears in the opening titles.

I've ran out of things to say so I'm going to search my computer for a picture...

It's a banana and it's just peeled the skin off of a human - TAKE THAT HUMANITY!

I had an idea for a blog...

2009-05-29T21:07:00.004+01:00

Well I actually had a few ideas for blogs but I can't really remember any so I'll just type out any shit I can think of while I still have

_____________________________________________________

I typed that the other night then my laptop ran out of battery - poor show. I've now officially moved out of here...

And I've unofficially moved in here...

(Don't tell the people living there though, they think I'm just visiting.)

Jumping on the Bandwagon

2009-05-21T00:41:00.004+01:00

http://twitter.com/gnarlysock

Yeah, I joined Twitter and you should like totally join it and follow me. Like most things on the Internet, I use twitter to say things and to stalk comedians.

The magic of the cinema

2009-05-17T21:19:00.002+01:00

So I went to see Star Trek the other night with some of my flatmates and then the next day I went to see Angels and Demons with the film making society. Star Trek was excellent. Angels and Demons was hilariously shit. I spent the whole film thinking how much better Ardal O'Hanlon would be at playing that priest than Ewen McGregor. My favourite quote from the film was "not naive, innocent". I know it's not really in context but believe me, it makes as much sense there as it did in the film.

In conclusion, Star Trek was good

I was going to blog something...

2009-05-17T04:17:00.001+01:00

and it was going to be good

But I'm going to bed instead

night

Viva Las Dundee

2009-05-12T01:51:00.003+01:00

For those who don't know (i.e. not the people who are actually reading this) Computing students at Abertay all have to go to a meeting called the Viva. It's a big scary meeting (once described by Leggat as like going on Dragon's Den with a bad idea) where you talk about how you're doing on your course with a couple of lecturers with strong emphasis on what you've done wrong over the last year.

It actually went quite well. I just need to email one of my lecturers about finishing some stuff off and I'll soon enough be finished 1st year.

After my Viva, I celebrated with a haircut which as my previous post explains WAS TWENTY FUCKING TWO POUNDS!!!

Here's a picture of my bus from when it was on Channel 4's Secret Millionaire ... yeah, MY BUS WAS ON TV!!!

Short Is the New Long

2009-05-11T19:54:00.004+01:00

I got a haircut today. I didn't go to the place I went to last time because it was £15 which everyone tells me is a rip off. After getting my haircut I was told that it cost TWENTY TWO FUCKING POUNDS!!!!!!

I payed £22 for a fucking hair cut. I could spend that money on so many better things that short hair! I saw the wii version of wario ware in head (formally Zavvi) and it was £19 something... THAT'S CHEAPER THAN MY FUCKING HAIRCUT!

Through the magic of webcam, you can see how short my hair now is.

£22 for a hair cut - what a spencil thing to do.

This is what all new music should sound like

2009-05-07T02:30:00.005+01:00

listening when your flatmate turns a radio on at 2 in the morning has some benefits.

Simmo turned on the radio and we caught the middle of this gem

I highly recommend that you watch that video from start to end - twice

They're apparently Glaswegian which puts them within stalking distance - huzzah

Daffodil Soup Makes Kids sick... no seriously

2009-05-04T06:49:00.002+01:00

http://news.uk.msn.com/odd-news/article.aspx?cp-documentid=16530573

Apparently some kids tried making some daffodil soup of their own... AND IT POISONED THEM!!!

That's some good blog advertisement right there!

300 Views

2009-05-02T17:51:00.004+01:00

yeah, I was just coming here to look back at the times before Leggat stole my Tetris score in the union when I noticed the blog counter.

yeah, three fucking hundred here's to 258 more!

"Those swines flew"

2009-04-30T22:18:00.002+01:00

A copy of yesterday's Sun (or scum as I think it should be known as) was sitting folded in my flat and I saw the top half of the front page. "Free Gavin & Stacey DVD" "Get Britain Laughing" Happy happy - stuff like that. Then I turn the paper over and see "IT'S HERE!" "KILLER DISEASE HITS SCOTLAND!!" THE WORLD IS GOING TO END AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO... was the sort of message I got from it. Don't worry though the was a small message on the inside "Don't panic". Thank fuck.

There was an article from a guy with the subtitle 'reporter of the year'. Clearly showing his expertise and writing brilliance, the article (about how Swine Flu is replacing terrorism as the thing that we should all fear) started with the line "Those swines flew, now there's Swine Flu". And he also had pictures of terrorists with big red lines through them. I assume this is to illustrate how terrorism no longer happens. I guess it takes a certain kind of skill to be reporter of the year.

Martin's Messed Up Dreams Vol 5 - Obama in the Chilis

2009-04-28T18:05:00.003+01:00

He may be the President of the USA, but in my dream last night, Barack Obama replaced John Frusciante as the guitarist in the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He wasn't as good as John but he had some nice style and very quickly became a fan favorite.
The RHCP line-up with John Frusciante was cloned so you could still see them perform but they just did the same stuff over and over again so people got bored of them.

Martin's Messed Up Dreams Vol 4 - Gordon Ramsay's New World Order

2009-04-28T17:58:00.003+01:00

In one of the dreams I had last night, Gordon Ramsay had created some sort of new world order in which he got rid of everything he didn't see fit. One of those things was a Vauxhall Corsa. That's right, Gordon Ramsay doesn't like Corsas!

9 Tins Of Relentless = Bad Idea

2009-04-27T19:26:00.002+01:00

The title basically tells you enough. I decided i would be a good idea to stay up all night so I drank 9 tins of relentless. It's much worse than alcohol - The come down was fucking torture.

But that was like a week ago (because of the inevitable brain damage, I can't really remember when it was) and I'm fine now so here's a highly exploitable picture of Johnny V.