What's this? An Update A Week?

Look who's getting back into the blogging spirit. Me! I'm blogging.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Martin, when you start your blog posts with a paragraph or two about blogging and mention blogging over and over again, it usually means you've got fuck all to talk about."

Who are you?

Also yeah! maybe I don't have anything to talk about. But surely I can think of something...

No?

Fuck.

I had a brilliant idea the other day. I think. I can't remember. I did have an interesting dream last night, maybe I could make "Mratin's messed up dreams: Volume 558"

What have I been doing for past couple of weeks?

Skyrim and coursework. I refilled the ink cartridge in my printer... But that was just to print off uni work.

I had a massive steak the other night... But that was to celebrate killing a Dragon. In Skyrim. Not real life.

I was walking down the road the other day - walking between my flat and Tesco. If this were Skyrim, I'd just fast travel there, but that's just the 'portal guns not existing in real life' thing all over again... But yeah, there was this woman touching herself while walking past me. I was all like "Oh yeah, she's touching herself because of me..." ...if it weren't for the fact that she was like fifty. It was fucking disgusting, really put a downer on the whole day.

...And that's why I haven't started my ethics coursework.

Dear bint working at the Tesco self service.

Hey it's me. Yeah. can you see me? I'm the guy who's standing next to a big, red, flashing light and a monitor telling me to wait for a member of staff (that's you). I've been here for a while now. You see about 10 minutes ago when there wasn't anyone there? Well there actually was someone there - Me! Fucking me! I was standing there wondering why you're not letting me go.

Yeah, I'm this way. Over here. Why are you facing the other way? Oh, you're talking to your work mates really? They can't be that interesting. They work in a supermarket for fuck sake (That was a joke. I have a few friends who work in supermarkets and they're actually fun, interesting people - mostly).

Oh Right! you're going to help that woman over there. YOU HAD TO WALK PAST ME TO GET TO HER. Bitch. Oh and now you're helping the jakes scan all of their shopping at the top machine. Aw bless, he doesn't know how to scan the barcode on his club card. Fucking help me you stupid skank! Oh! And now you're fixing the abandoned one next to me. How about helping me here before you have another abandoned check out to deal with?

...

Ahh, back to doing nothing again? Good for you. You've had a hard 2 minutes of entering numbers on touch screens. Best take a wee rest before you deal with me. Yeah, take a seat. I'm fine just standing here.

And then she finally came over. I wasn't overly polite but I at least had the self control not to knock her out. "Do you have any ID?" Is she fucking kidding? How could I not be old enough to buy booze, I've been waiting here for 18 years. If I wasn't old enough before, I am now! I have a fucking beard and she IDs me.

I didn't have a beard when I came in.

Tesco's customer standards have plummeted since Lee left

That's right Lee. Every little DOES count.

(That wasn't a joke about him having a small cock by the way. Everyone knows that Lee's hung.)

I Tidied up my computer Desk...

Now I just need to tidy up my bed...



Right! To Tesco for Relentless and Doritos! I feel an all-nighter coming on...

Happy no extra costs for single people day

Also known as valentines day. Also known as singles awareness day. Also known as a day in which I got no cards in the post - That's either because no one loves me or because it's Sunday - or both. Or all three.

Basically, today is boring. I'm also inexplicably tired. I've been tired all day. Even though I had a great sleep last night. The router's also just reset itself so if I want some porn for a valentines day wank, I'm screwed. Though to be fair I've already had two, any more would be spoiling myself.

I bought 'Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge and other less successful characters Live' on DVD today. Thanks to the use of clubcard vouchers, it was free - basically. It was alright. Not great. I certainly wouldn't call it "shamelessly funny" like those fools at The Guardian and I definitely wouldn't describe it as "Some of the best laughs I've had all year" like those cunts at the Times. Or should I say... BEHIND the times!(Knowing Me Knowing You reference). I did like the pythonesque, closing song about how everyone's a bit of a cunt. That bit was very good.

Let'sco To Tesco

I haven't had a lot of photos on my blog lately, That's because my phone (with its built in camera) won't charge. No charge = no phone. No phone = no phone camera. No phone camera = no picture of when tesco mistook a 360 version of Assassin's creed 2 for a PS3 version (the opposite of what Jonny D did.). No picture of when... well you get the picture - or not - as the case may be.

Anyway, I bought new deodorant the other night. I chose the stuff I did because it was cheaper than Africa (the deodorant, not the continent) and as it (actually it was still cheaper than the continent - much cheaper than the continent in fact. Ignore that bit about it not being cheaper than the continent of Africa.) turns out, it smelled nicer than Africa too(The deodorant, I've never smelled the continent). I also bought a woolly hat for £3 - just so my ears don't freeze off. that cold weather should be illegal or something.

While I was in Tesco buying hats and deodorant, I saw 2 people down the isle. They looked familiar, in fact they looked a lot like... Holy shit it was Billy and Jonny!. Surprise doesn't really work in the past tense, it just makes it look like I only realised it was them just now. Which I didn't! Jonny was drunk and wanted to be sick in the 'Tesco finest' section. And Billy was... well Billy. He got cigarettes.

It's probably been posted up here before, but here's a picture of Billy smoking...

Good Deeds

I was in Tesco earlier and on my way out I saw a man going to get a trolly. It's been raining steadily all day so the trollies were all wet, my one was dry because I took it from one of the few sheltered trolly areas and I'd also just done a load of shopping (well one bag's worth). I said to him "here have mine, it's probably drier than the other ones." (or something like that) and he said "thanks" (or it might've been "thank you", he at least used some word(s) to express grattitude). I thought to myself 'there's my good deed for the day.

But then I remembered that I'd done 3 and a half hours of volunteer work for the British Red Cross earlier. I'd destroyed the good/evil balance in the world.

And that's why I drowned that kitten.

A post about Tesco!!!

Where to go? where to go? You can go left to the small one or right to the big one. Unless you're on the other side of the road, then it's the other way around. I prefer the big one. Being bigger it has more stuff and it's not any busier than the small one so you get served quicker. Also there was that thing with the balls in the small one but I try not to think about that.

When you get there, you take a trolly. Or you take a basket but I prefer a trolly unless I'm not getting a lot of stuff - even then, I sometimes take a trolly. Better safe than sorry.

Then you shop.

Then comes the time to pay. You can go to a self-service check out. Although they usually work well enough and you don't have the unbearable task of interacting with another human being, the machines can be awkward.

At the check out you have the shop assistant. Their badges say "happy to help". Clearly that's irony as these people are the most miserable bastards in the world. The make me look happy and I'm a humourless dick... but not really. They look at you with disgust and ask "Do you want bags?". Of course I fucking want bags? how do you think I'm going to carry £20 worth of groceries to my flat? Magic powers!??! You've been working here since 2005(I can tell by looking at the badge - Tesco employees have the year they started working there on a badge - as a reminder of when they stopped being people and began being EMPLOYEES) how can you not know that I need bags. They don't like giving bags away you see. When they eventually do give you bags, they give you the bare minimum. They don't want to run out you see. They only have a few million to give away each day.

Back in my Alloway - wake at 3am days, I was watching the early morning BBC news24 show. They were talkng about excess packaging and it's effect on the environment. One woman wrote in saying that she took things out of their packaging before leaving the shop so that she wouldn't have to deal with excess packeging. Mental bitch

Post #75

Yes, it's my 75th post here!!!

It seems like just yesterday (or at least the day before yesterday) that I was writing my 67th post spectacular. Though this actually is the 75th - the 67th one was actually my 64th or something. I fucked up.
Leggat didn't blog yesterday so I cut myself. But not really. I remember one time he said he was going to blog about a circus or something - but a circus with something unusual about it. Do you remember Leggat? No? Oh never mind then.
I was in WHSmith today. They have a special rack for "The magazine of the week" though there were actually a few different magazines - all about Michael Jackson. When I die, I hope I get on a WHSmith magizine of the month. That's the dream.

Now for another bargain from the lovely people at Tesco...


In other news, someone got arrested across the road yesterday, it was pretty cool. Especially since the person getting arrested was Johnny V - all those days of stealing from charity boxes have finally caught up on him.

well join me next time for Post #76

bye.

EDIT: I just found out some more information on the power ranger actor on death row story. Turns out the guy on death row was an extra in an episode and he killed a couple on a boat... as you do.