Dear bint working at the Tesco self service.

Hey it's me. Yeah. can you see me? I'm the guy who's standing next to a big, red, flashing light and a monitor telling me to wait for a member of staff (that's you). I've been here for a while now. You see about 10 minutes ago when there wasn't anyone there? Well there actually was someone there - Me! Fucking me! I was standing there wondering why you're not letting me go.

Yeah, I'm this way. Over here. Why are you facing the other way? Oh, you're talking to your work mates really? They can't be that interesting. They work in a supermarket for fuck sake (That was a joke. I have a few friends who work in supermarkets and they're actually fun, interesting people - mostly).

Oh Right! you're going to help that woman over there. YOU HAD TO WALK PAST ME TO GET TO HER. Bitch. Oh and now you're helping the jakes scan all of their shopping at the top machine. Aw bless, he doesn't know how to scan the barcode on his club card. Fucking help me you stupid skank! Oh! And now you're fixing the abandoned one next to me. How about helping me here before you have another abandoned check out to deal with?

...

Ahh, back to doing nothing again? Good for you. You've had a hard 2 minutes of entering numbers on touch screens. Best take a wee rest before you deal with me. Yeah, take a seat. I'm fine just standing here.

And then she finally came over. I wasn't overly polite but I at least had the self control not to knock her out. "Do you have any ID?" Is she fucking kidding? How could I not be old enough to buy booze, I've been waiting here for 18 years. If I wasn't old enough before, I am now! I have a fucking beard and she IDs me.

I didn't have a beard when I came in.

Tesco's customer standards have plummeted since Lee left

That's right Lee. Every little DOES count.

(That wasn't a joke about him having a small cock by the way. Everyone knows that Lee's hung.)