Sunday, 14 November 2010

Martin's Messed Up Dreams Vol 9 - 'I invented Sodastream... in the future'

So yeah quite a strange dream the other night. I had gone into the future to find out that I was in fact the inventor of Sodastream. Clearly, I was from before it had been invented because it came to a surprise to me when I was told. There was a woman with a broken Sodastream so I - being the gentleman that I am - decided to fix it for her. Some guy was all like; "Are you sure you can fix it? Do you have any idea how to start?"

Well I invented it apparently so fuckin' yeah I can fix it! Probably...

-IMAGE COMING SOON (I'll probably do it when I get back from work.)-

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Rail fail

Despite what I said in my last post, I'm not blogging on the train. so where am I? It's cold, I'm eating sugar-coated white chocolate for dinner and I'm stuck here for an hour and a half. Why yes, I'm in Aberdeen train station because my train from dundee arrived about half an hour later than it was supposed to. Fantastic.

I'd say I'm taking the situation pretty well, a guy who was sitting behind be keeps swearing and shouting. We get it, you're angry about not getting to elgin by 8pm but please, pipe the fuck down. I was going to sit somewhere else in the station, next to the praying guy by the spilled coffee, then I realised that it it wasn't coffee, it was sick - and it was still dripping out of his mouth. I don't think he was praying either.

This train station's full of weirdos. I know I'm one of them - 'that curly haired freak in a striped shirt who's barely looked up from his phone - but I shouldn't be here, I should be on the train to Elgin.

Yeah, that's right. Elgin, I'm going to be on the same train and stop as the shouty, sweary guy. I'll probably have to sit next to him too while he loudly swears into the side of my head. prick.

Oh well, that killed half an hour.
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new post coming soon...

I'm going to write it on the train

Using my phone

There's probably going to be loads of spelling mistakes. There's something for you to look forward to.

Friday, 30 July 2010

I really don't have time to blog right now

But if I did, this would be a fucking mind-blowing post. Believe me.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Time to Flog Some Blog

And by "flog", I mean "blog". It's time to blog some blog. I'm gonna blog the blog outta this blog - it'll be so bloggy blogiful that blogspot will have to blog about blogging in ... well in blog.

That paragraph could've ended better. Could've started better too. The middle section was shit. It's basically a bad paragraph. My next paragraph'll be better. Much better than this one. It won't just be me apologising for earlier parts of the post. It'll be ground breaking. It'll be life changing. It'll be about how I'm watching 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

So anyway, I'm watching 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' (told you I'd mention it - this paragraph's already great). I've never seen it before, is it good? Don't tell me. I'm watching it now. I'll find out soon enough. Just like when I found out how to catch Mew in the original pokemon games. How am I watching 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit'? I can only get 5 channels on my TV - none of which are showing the film. Well I'm not actually in Dundee... That's right, I'm in the thriving metropolis that is ROTHES. There's not a lot to do around here but my parents have sky+ and I've been watching the shit outta it.

Oh, it finished. Well that was a good film. thanks for not spoiling it in the previous (and might I say; fantastic) paragraph. And speaking of finishing, this blog post has just finished. Blog you for reading.

As Seen On TV - The Exciting Conclusion of my previous post (As Not Seen On TV)

Well as it turns out, The TV did go to my neighbours and my parents got it when they got home. But then there came the dilemma of getting it down here (well actually I'm in Rothes right now but let's just pretend that I'm in Dundee). DHL - who'd delivered it in the first place claim that they don't deliver TVs bigger than 32" - mine's 37". I ended up getting it delivered from City Link - "Next day delivery". They picked it up on Thursday and delivered it on Monday. Aye, good ane City Link, the bastards charged £40 for it as well. Pricks.

The TV's fucking great. I finally get to live the dream of having a massive TV in my bedroom. Though the batteries that came with the remote control were flat. Boo.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

As not seen on TV

Look at this, great value isn't it?
It was actually even cheaper when I ordered it the other week. It was the first thing I bought from ebay since Pokemon Blue a couple of summers ago... when I was still living at my parents' house. No, I hadn't changed my delivery address since then... And I was quite drunk so I didn't think to check the address when I was ordering it.

So what? My parents will get it.

They're on holiday.

Yeah. Shit.

Hopefully a neighbour has it or something. My parents get back on the 10th so I'll find out what happens then.

In other news, I got a new computer.

Look at that sexy fucking monitor...

Thursday, 17 June 2010

21 In 5(58) days

Yup - In 5 days, I'll be 21. I'm gonna get absolutely fucked. Possibly in a suit. Maybe not. But one thing's for sure. It'll be my birthday. Take that society! You Nazis!

Maybe when I'm 21, I'll stop calling people who aren't actually Nazis; Nazis. Probably not. I like calling people Nazis. You Nazi!

On the subject of fascism, still hasn't got anything on it. Leggat tells me he's doing stuff but... well... chop chop Leggat. Chop chop.

So yeah, drinking on Monday and Leggat's blog. That's basically what this post's been about. There's 5 minutes you'll never see again.

Monday, 14 June 2010

Unexpected Christmas Albums Vol2 - Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin XII days of Christmas

Release Date: 25/12/72
Track Listing
1. Stairway To Christmas
2. Whole Lotta Lovely presents
3. The Snow Song
4. Jingle Bell Rock And Roll
5. Christmas in Middle Earth
6. Bron-Yr-xmas

Following the success of Led Zeppelin I(1969), Led Zeppelin II(1969), Led Zeppelin III(1970) and Led Zeppelin IV(1971). Led Zeppelin Guitarist Jimmy page decided that it was only right for the band to spend 1972 recording and releasing 8 more numbered Led Zeppelin albums. None of his band members thought it would be possible apart from bassist John-Paul Jones who egged Jimmy on saying that he should probably give each album a "quirky" subtitle. The first was January's Led Zeppelin V Live which wasn't - as the title suggests - a live album. Second was March's Led Zeppelin VI days 'till Easter - so called because of Easter happening 6 days after it was released. They then did Led Zeppelin VII th seal(May), Led Zeppelin 55 VIII - AKA The worst album ever recorded(June), Led Zeppelin IX tynine red balloons(August), Led Zeppelin X Y Z(October), Led Zeppelin XI th month of the year(November) and finally Led Zeppelin XII days of Christmas Which - because of a Christmas day release date - failed to sell well because everywhere was closed. Because No shops were open to receive the albums, the vast majority of the records perished due to the winterly weather.

Fun Fact: The cover featured the same painting - belonging to Robert Plant - as on The Band's fourth album but it had been modified to look more festive by Jimmy Page. This really pissed off Robert Plant.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Unexpected Christmas Albums Vol1 - NWA Straight Outta Crimbo

Release Date: 18/12/89
Track Listing
1. Jingle Mutha-Fuckin' Bells
2. Merry X-mas Everybody (is Gunna Die)
3. Express Yourself (Festive version)
4. Black Christmas
5. Rudolph the Red Nosed Nigga
6. Fuck Tha Cavalry
7. Happy Xmas (War Is Only Just Beginning)
8. Homey it's Cold Outside
9. Fuck Tha Halls
10. Santa Clause is Coming To Compton (And We Gonna Shoot His White Ass)

The year was 1988 and NWA were feeling festive. Their 'crib' was all decorated and they had a Christmas tree so big that it could be seen from all over the ghetto. You could barely move for all the tinsel. With a mince pie in his hand and one of those hats you get out of Christmas crackers on his head, Ice Cube turned to Dr Dre and said "Yo man, let's make a Christmas album" and Dr Dre - giddy with excitement replied with "fuck yeah!". Within an hour, the whole group were there in the recording studio and by the end of the week, they had recorded what would later become Straight outta Crimbo. Unfortunately, one man stood in their way. Salvador Dali. Dali refused to believe that there was such thing as Christmas in the hood and so used his powerful mind control tricks that he'd picked up during a trip to madrid to stop the album's release. NWA pleaded with him to let the release go ahead but he simply came back to them with "Over my dead Body". As it happens, Salvidor Dali was very ill at this point and died of heart failure in January 1989. This gave the group the best part of a year to make Straight Outta Crimbo the best Christmas album ever. And boy did they succeed!

Fun fact: The cover for this album shows Dr Dre wearing his famous Santa beard which he'd go on to wear every day in December - every year until Eminem chainsawed it off of his face in 2001. Dre hasn't spoken about it since.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010


I should really start proof-reading my posts on here. My last entry's full of mistakes, it's ridiculous.

Stupid reading.

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Mr. Healthy

So I've been getting into hoummous, houmous and rice cakes. So much healthier than a bag of crisps or a tablespoon of lard. Yet just as filling. And I'm eating banana on toast right now - on white toast of course, I've gone healthy, not mental.

I've also just started taking up running, which is why my legs hurt and I walk around like Bambi (or someone with serable polsi). Last night was my second run across the Tay and it was so much easier than the first the night before. Maybe it was because I'd already done it or because I hadn't eaten a bag of onion rings before hand, but I'm hoping my third run across the Tay will be a piece of piss.

Monday, 19 April 2010

I've finally put it on You-tube...

That's right, Billy gets bum faced and Leggat gets naked, happy times

Friday, 9 April 2010

Vote Nick Clegg

I was listening to music on Spotify (because I'm hip and modern like that) when an advert came on about registering to vote. I thought to my self - yeah, I'll register, that'll teach those damn ignorant, right-wing, liberal, commie Nazis!

As it turns out the website is shit. It asked for my address and then went to the next page... or so I had thought. It just refreshed the fucking page.

Another loss for democracy. Way to fucking go Trotsky, you mustache wearing bastard.

Actually, did Trotsky have a mustache? I think he did. Everyone had mustaches back in those days...

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Finally saw Casino Royale...

It was quite good.

Though if I'm feeling pedantic (and I am) I can think of a few things that are just pure wrong.

My first point, and this is a biggie... FELIX LIGHTER'S NOT BLACK!

And Miss Money Penny's not male.

The film's based when James Bond first gets his licence to kill so it's a prequel to Dr No and the rest of the films(I'm just talking about the films in this blog, not the books). Since James Bond meets Felix Lighter in Dr No without knowing him, they couldn't have met in Casino Royal.

Not to mention, James doesn't get his Trademark Walther PPK(as originally used by THE NAZIS)until Dr No, before then, he'd been using his much loved Beretta for around a decade.

Also at one point it's said that James went to Oxford. Anyone who's seen You Only Live Twice can tell you that he got a first in oriental languages from Cambridge.

But overall, good film. There were a couple of George Lazenbyish moments towards the end and the Parkour bomb maker at the start seemed like they were just jumping on the free running band-wagon But there were some nice bits.

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

New posts coming soon...

I assure you I'll be posting more amazing things on here, I've just been swamped lately. Bloody work, bloody uni, bloody I bought a new record player today. As you may remember, my old one broke over a year ago when I was writing this post so I've been waiting ages to hear some vinyl again.

While I spent my hard earned cash on a record player, Leggat bought something else...

It's not much yet, but keep checking there. Fucking bookmark it. That place is gonna be fucking huge. Also, he might post there more than 6 times a year.

Sunday, 7 March 2010

Licence to kill... time watching videos.

I was at the red cross shop the other week. Not the conveniently close one I volunteer at but the smaller one that's like 558 miles up Perth road. Anyway, the other week I went on a like 50 hour walk up Perth road to the red cross shop that's there. It was pound day. All items of clothing cost £1. I got an unused, £65 shirt FOR A POUND. Yeah, I'm proud of that one. I also got a 2010 calender (about fucking time). It had cats on it. The most exciting thing I bought however was a box set of the first 18 James Bond films on VHS. I'm onto licence to kill. That's number 16 btw. I also got a job. Same day in fact. By the end of the month, I'll have money. Money. Money! I'm finally going to be able to replace my record player that broke OVER A YEAR AGO. How I've lasted a year without that sweet vinyl crackle is beyond me. I'll probably by more rum too. Lots of rum.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

My blog's so 1337!

At least the view counter was a minute ago

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Happy no extra costs for single people day

Also known as valentines day. Also known as singles awareness day. Also known as a day in which I got no cards in the post - That's either because no one loves me or because it's Sunday - or both. Or all three.

Basically, today is boring. I'm also inexplicably tired. I've been tired all day. Even though I had a great sleep last night. The router's also just reset itself so if I want some porn for a valentines day wank, I'm screwed. Though to be fair I've already had two, any more would be spoiling myself.

I bought 'Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge and other less successful characters Live' on DVD today. Thanks to the use of clubcard vouchers, it was free - basically. It was alright. Not great. I certainly wouldn't call it "shamelessly funny" like those fools at The Guardian and I definitely wouldn't describe it as "Some of the best laughs I've had all year" like those cunts at the Times. Or should I say... BEHIND the times!(Knowing Me Knowing You reference). I did like the pythonesque, closing song about how everyone's a bit of a cunt. That bit was very good.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Leggat made a new blog post

And thus so must I!

Really, I should be doing coursework. That would be a better use of my time than blogging and watching Alan Partridge. Unfortunately, my notebook is at my friends' flat. Filled with all my undeveloped game ideas. To the untrained eye, it probably looks like the scribblings of a maniac. I'll have to get it back tomorrow... or just never do coursework again.

Blogger just auto-saved this post right before I put that last full stop in. If the internet blows up, my post will be saved without a final full stop and I'll look like an idi... oh it just saved again. Never mind.

Monday, 8 February 2010

Oh Maya God I Hate Maya

By Maya, I don't mean "the world's going to end in 2012" Maya. I mean "stupid 3D modelling program that's actually very good but is a pain in the arse to use if you're a beginner (ie me)" Maya.

I got into the bit in Whitespace (despite what the Abertay adverts tell you, it's not the most interesting place in the world) with the computers with 2 monitors at about 11:20. The computer wasn't fully loaded up until about 11:30. It took another 10 minutes for Maya to fucking start.

Of course, because there was no sign of the program starting, I tried opening it again. Twice. It was like a time capsule of 3D Modelling. Except shit.

On top of that, the right monitor keeps disconecting from the computer whenever there's the slightest bump on the desk. Even typing this is setting it off. I would sort the caple at the computer's end, but the computer's on some sort of dodgy platform - it would probably fall off easily and I can't afford to break a computer. Not at the moment anyway. looks like it's off for good now.

Breaking barriers? More like breaking connections between computers and monitors... or something wittier than that. I don't know!

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Blogging on my phone

yup, I'm blogging on my phone. Is it because I'm cool and on the edge? No. It's because my laptop went all 558 and broke on me. Not only did it break on me, it broke on me just as I have a load of coursework to do - most of it requiring me to use a computer. Also my earphones have stopped working. It seemed like every thing is subtilly becoming fucked.

At least my blog still wor... Gjjfghjm 558errmgjkijsbnhedfgghjjkbllllllbigoldbendermjjfssgkkklghkkbu