Saturday, 29 August 2009

shitty art dreams

So... you may or may not have noticed that I posted a new volume of 'Martin's Messed up dreams', you didn't? Oh fuck you then! I try and I try but it's never good enough for you, maybe I should just hang myself as I write this post! Would that make you happy!?!? Would it?!

Wow, I seem to have gone off on a bit of a self-destructive tangent there. Never mind, I was just blogging to say that I've added MS Paint illustrations to all my messed up dreams posts. I just thought it would make them seem that much more real. My dreams are often in the style of a small child (and/or kinda simple adult) using paint.

You can see all of the *cough* artwork here

Martin's Messed Up Dreams Vol 6 - The Late Late Breakfast Show With Bill Bailey

Some dreams are just fragments of he past day mixed together to form images in your head... well most are. But the other night I had a dream that - to be quite honest - is one of the greatest ideas ever to be concieved(Though that's what I said about the girl with a massive toenail).

Picture this...

Bill Bailey walking along a suburban street in the late evening, he's in a dressing gown and has a newspaper under his arm, as he walks along people (some famous, some not famous) all who wave and say hi to him. He walks upto a flat, there are 2 front doors - each for different flats. A man is at the door on the right and Bill goes to the one on the left. They share a glance before going into their respective flats, the camera follows the man on the right as he enters the flat and turns on the tv. The camera then zooms into the TV to reveal Bill, dressed the same as he was outside holding the same news paper walking into a studio living room with a live audience. A voiceover says "It's the Late, Late Breakfast Show with Bill Bailey!". Bill then procedes to read vairous topical news stories from the paper and makes jokes about them. At one point, he's going to do a cook along with a complicated recipie and make a mess all over his dressing gown which he then takes off to reveal another Dressing gown under it. It'll be comedy gold.

Saturday, 22 August 2009

Another Post About What I'm Watching On TV

I hate Philip Scolefield. Always have done. That silver haird fucker. He probably has sex with kids. Not children, but goats. Some times he kills the goats and fucks ghosgoats. That sick fuck. Oh christ, there's a blonde bimbo on TV who's already refered to herself as "crazy" and has claimed to be doing it to "prove that not all blonds are ditzy". That's possibly the quickest I've learned to hate someone. She just fucked her challenge up - Ditzy bitch.

I'm watching the cube by the way. Charlie Brooker mentioned it in an article that Leggat sent me, I've been watching a lot of screenwipe lately(Which you should totally watch by the way.). It's well good.

Friday, 21 August 2009

Hogan knows... best?

There's a Hulk Hogan film on BBC2. He's got a simmilar acting style to Dean Learner in garth marenghi's darkplace - in that he can't act. The main difference is, he's not acting like he can't act. He can't act. Luckily for the Hulkster, everyone else in this film is bad at acting. There's a parrot that can talk. I don't mean saying the same things over and over again, I mean it can speak full conversations with people. Real parrots don't do that. At one point, a bunch of prople were trying to push a car out of the sand, no one could. Then Hogan comes along and pushes it out himself. He's like a kids' TV version of Arnie.

All the bad guys in this film seem to be black. Maybe Hulk Hogan's a little racist.

Now we're gonna play 'spot the Alan Partridge reference'

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

The mystical adventures of ghost toilet and the phantom shits

Episode 1. In the bath

What's this? A week without any posts and now 2 posts in one day!??! What will I do next?

A few weeks ago, Simmo mentioned the Matt Berry/Rich Fuller (That might be the wrong spelling, I don't care enough to check) sketch show; Snuff Box via twitter (which by the way, if you haven't got it yet, you're a loser. Get with the times - before it gets comercialised and crap like Facebook and Bebo.). As a seemingly direct result, I decided to watch the series in it's entirety. It was pretty good.

I haven't blogged in over a week :O

Why the fuck am I watching Channel 5? You know it's bad when Trisha is the best thing on TV. Oh now House is on, I've never watched it before. Wow, Hugh Lorrie is just as annoying as an American as he is as Percy from Blackadder. At least Blackadder's funny.

Anyway, as the title of this post tells you, I haven't blogged in over a week... colon oh. I'm going to the Red Cross shop in a couple of hours to volunteer... or find out about volunteering... or to steal stuff. Probably not the latter though.

Wow, House just made a joke about Germans taking there anger out on the Jews. It's not even mid-day yet!

I think I could get into this whole 'House' program.

Monday, 10 August 2009

A post about Tesco!!!

Where to go? where to go? You can go left to the small one or right to the big one. Unless you're on the other side of the road, then it's the other way around. I prefer the big one. Being bigger it has more stuff and it's not any busier than the small one so you get served quicker. Also there was that thing with the balls in the small one but I try not to think about that.

When you get there, you take a trolly. Or you take a basket but I prefer a trolly unless I'm not getting a lot of stuff - even then, I sometimes take a trolly. Better safe than sorry.

Then you shop.

Then comes the time to pay. You can go to a self-service check out. Although they usually work well enough and you don't have the unbearable task of interacting with another human being, the machines can be awkward.

At the check out you have the shop assistant. Their badges say "happy to help". Clearly that's irony as these people are the most miserable bastards in the world. The make me look happy and I'm a humourless dick... but not really. They look at you with disgust and ask "Do you want bags?". Of course I fucking want bags? how do you think I'm going to carry £20 worth of groceries to my flat? Magic powers!??! You've been working here since 2005(I can tell by looking at the badge - Tesco employees have the year they started working there on a badge - as a reminder of when they stopped being people and began being EMPLOYEES) how can you not know that I need bags. They don't like giving bags away you see. When they eventually do give you bags, they give you the bare minimum. They don't want to run out you see. They only have a few million to give away each day.

Back in my Alloway - wake at 3am days, I was watching the early morning BBC news24 show. They were talkng about excess packaging and it's effect on the environment. One woman wrote in saying that she took things out of their packaging before leaving the shop so that she wouldn't have to deal with excess packeging. Mental bitch

Wednesday, 5 August 2009


For some reason(I don't know why), I have(well actually I do know but that get's in the way of the story so forget that)an audiobook of George Orwell's 1984 on my mp3 player. I haven't listened to it yet - well not properly. Over the last few nights I've been listening to it through my xbox(Yeah, I use modern technology) as I lie in bed. Unfortunatly, each segmant is around 40 minutes long and as I'm in bed, I'm fairly tired. Like most tired people in bed, I tend to fall asleep. I've heard the first half hour about 3 times so far. I think I'm probably going to know the first half hour off the top of my head. As for the rest, well that's probably going to be in my head somewhere. As it turns out, listening to an audiobook of 1984 messes with your dreams. I can't remember what any of these dreams are, but at the time of waking up, I knew it was because of that damn audiobook. I have found myself being more paranoid about the forces above. TVs definatly seem to be watching me just as much - if not more that I watch them.

I might bring back the "Martin's messed up dreams" posts. I can't remember how many I did. 5ish? Who cares?

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

beart heat

Leggat's away home, Sam's away home and Johnny's... I don't know where Johnny is.

An advert on TV just asked me; "imagine if clothes were made of flowers" WTF!?!?

I'm watching Heartbeat. That's what my life has come to. Someone on it just shouted "Bill!". It was like the best thing ever! Last time I watched it, there was a Beatles song, I'm hoping a Kinks song comes on. Of course a program like heartbead would require quite a special sponsor. Macdonalds? Tesco? No, it's sponsored by Yorkshire. Yeah, the county. Fuck businesses, Heartbeat is spnsored by Yorkshire.

I can't wait 'till Leggat gets back so we can get drunk and view office spaces.

Monday, 3 August 2009

I'm bloggin' and I hope you like bloggin' too.

Look at me, I'm posting in my blog - unlike a certain Martin Leggat Yeah that's right! We share a first name!

Anyway. As I was saying, I'm posting on my blog. I was tidying my room - I'll get back to that when I've finished this post. "But Martin!" (how do you know my name?) "Didn't you tidy your room less than a month ago" (oh right, I said it earlier in the post) "how can your room not still be tidy from then?" Well, fictional enquirer, Just after I'd finished tidying my room last time, I had to move everything into the middle of the floor for the bugman. The bugman never came, he got killed by a killer ant or something(killer ants - worse than swine flu). Luckily another Bugman came about 3 days later and sprayed the flat. I've just about finished recovering from it - oh look, a meal worm crawling out of the edge of my room. wait, that's no meal worm.

Fucking killer ants!

Saturday, 1 August 2009

"I don't hate vests"

I can't think of anything to blog about. I actually can't think of a thing. I'm not going to let that stop me from blogging...

There was someone getting arrested across the road the other day. I might have mentioned that in another post - I just don't know. I got Ordained recently, despite what nico says I'm a real reverend - it says so here

I I I I I can't think of anything so I'm going to play Left 4 dead until my clothes are washed. I hate washing machines.