Wednesday, 30 September 2009

God Bless Female Masturbation

What a day, I was just volunteering at my local British Red Cross shop today(because I'm great like that), when a women came in. She was the dodgy looking, jakey, junky type but because it's Dundee, that's pretty common. She took her black jacket off and put it on the floor, then took a white jacket off the shelf, and tried it on. She stepped into the changing room, looked at herself with the jacket on in the mirror and then took it off. She then carried the jacket around the shop as she looked around. I went for a break at this point and then; "Martin, did you serve that woman?". I hadn't. Turns out she stole the jacket. We tried to see if she was along the road. No sign of her. She was gone; or so we thought. We then saw that she was in the British Heart Foundation next door. I told the manager about the women but by then, she'd left the shop. Where was next? Someone else from the red cross shop saw her go into Ann Summers.
It seemed like she'd gotten away. A guy I was working with chose this as the time to cash a cheque he'd gotten earlier so he left the shop - only to return a second later; "Guess who I just saw getting escorted into Ann Summers by a police officer.". That made everyone's day. As it turns out, She'd stolen a couple of vibrators from there last Friday so they had her on CCTV and someone pressed the Panic button.

The white jacket will be returned to the shop and the scummy bitch has been arrested.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

"that's not a set of bongos, it's just a small table shaped like bongos"

Well well well, look at me, half past midnight on a Friday night (or Saturday morning if you're being pedantic.) and I'm sitting on my own in the living-room of my flat - feeling kinda tired. At 20 years of age, I should be out at a club getting drunk and partying. But instead I'm sitting on my sofa (kinks song) and posting on my blog whilst pointing out all of my accidental Kinks references. Just added the word 'blog' to the Google chrome spell checker. Apparently I have to add 'Google' as well...

Adding words to the spell checker dictionary, THAT'S HOW I'M SPENDING MY FRIDAY NIGHT... or Saturday morning to be precise.

Two drunk girls are walking around on the other side of the road, they're laughing. Looks like they're having a good time. I bet I'll live longer than them. It'll certainly seem that way. Especially if I spend all my Friday nights like this. I might read a book later... yeah, that'll be good.

Maybe I'm nackered because it's been the first week of actual work at uni... I say actual work, lectures aren't exactly hard labour are they? Still, getting up in the morning is shite. I'm getting Tuesday and Wednesday off this week, after that it might just be Tuesdays I get off - hopefully not.

I broke 200 Tweets on Twitter today - just to keep my cool streak going.

On a brighter note... Last weeks Peep Show (first in the series) was mediocre to say the least, and this weeks episode? This week's episode was so good that me and Leggat hugged. Not in a gay way or anything... a manly hug *grunt* and a manly kiss...

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Not so fresh now! Are we!?!?!?

So Freshers week - freshotpospher - freshipeshipopy - Freshers week. Abertay's freshers week is almost over. I've met like 2 freshers. I supose the only reason I met more last year was because I was living with them but... blueargh who cares?

Another thing about last year was that I didn't have swine flu, well I don't have swine flu right now (probably) but I do have a cough that's been going on for 2 weeks. *cough*

Freshers week its self has been pretty shite this year. The Pub quiz was on at 5:30. Who the fuck goes to a pub quiz at 5:30. Not us, we went at half 8. And were late. There was the school Disco thing where you had to go in school uniform. What kinda school makes you wear a uniform to a disco - Though saying that, if a girl dressed as slutty as that at my school, they would've been sent home. I'm not complaining - I'm just saying - not exactly accurate is it?

There was a special celebrity guest... I say celebrity, it was Sree from Big Brother. I don't know him either, all I know is that you had to pay to have your photo taken with him - and for some reason, some people did.

Now here's what should've been the theme tune to the last Bond film

Monday, 14 September 2009

Flat 8 = yay

Just looking at a message at the bottom of the page "Draft autosaved at 14:14" I haven't typed anything yet and already my blog is saving the post. Now that's over-protective!

Anyway, Exactly 1 year ago today I moved into Alloway halls - it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. brb food. I just put some toast on, by the end of this post, I'll probably have eaten it. Though Toast does remind me of Alloway, Me and Gary used to always eat Toast - it's just one of the ways we bonded. And of course there's Simmo, the Flat 8er who's most likely to be reading this (Hi Simmo). Grant (Persh) might read it, though that may be a long shot, He wasn't there last night in the union when we were all rocking out to Journey so I'm going to post a picture of him naked onto the internet

What a guy - hung like a horse.

Simmo wasn't there last night but I don't have any pictures of him naked, I think I was the only person who wasn't there when he was all naked and stuff.

How could a post about flat8... or about anything not mention the notorious DTI. Danny was purely Terryiffic (his surname was Terry - still, it's a pretty Terryble pun). When you watch the Matrix with Danny, you don't just finnish there, you go back the next day and watch The Matrix Reloded - Then the Beverly Hills Cop Trillogy - Then the Matrix Revolutions (we couldn't go straight from Reloaded to Reveloutions because Gary Was borrowing it so Beverly HIlls Cop 1,2 and 3 kept us going until he got up for work.

To describe Alloway in one word, I'd have to say "Braw". Fife volcabuary courtesy of Mr William O'neil - The man, the myth, the goal-keeper. he once made the mistake of leaving his bedroom door open and going away for the weekend...

We just happened to have few cups lying around...

The cups idea actually belonged to the oldest member of Flat 8; Stephan (I forgot your Middle name) Mcginley (I think that's how it's spelled). Known worldwide for his big Tattoo and his half hour wanks, Stephan is the kind of guy I can talk about doing things with 'Nazi German bints' with for hours.

Last but certainly not least - Lee 'the python' Malcolm. He knows who Mr Boom is and so do I. In a way we're kindred spirits - though I think we all know that Lee's only going to have one true love...

(Gordon, not the sheep)

This day, September 14th shall forever be known as international 'Flat 8' day. Rejoyce!

Saturday, 12 September 2009


I've got a bit of a bad cough at the moment. *cough*

See, I just coughed. Cough medicine doesn't seem as strict as paracetimals. Sure, I'm only meant to have 10mls but if I take 20 - I probably won't die - And there's nothing stopping me from using bennilynn AND Buttercup!


I'll make a better blog-post later

Friday, 4 September 2009

Martin's Messed Up Dreams Vol 7 a cheesy murder mystery

Last night, I had one of those "midsummer murders" dreams. But it was darker. Some girl had managed to leave clues about who murdered her and where she'd been burried. Oh yeah, the girl had been murdered by the way. There had been other bodies found but no one knew who'd done it. The girl had been burried under a shed from within the shed, the evidence that showed the police this was in the form of grated cheese... it was a green cheese. Grated by the murder victim herself!

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Good Deeds

I was in Tesco earlier and on my way out I saw a man going to get a trolly. It's been raining steadily all day so the trollies were all wet, my one was dry because I took it from one of the few sheltered trolly areas and I'd also just done a load of shopping (well one bag's worth). I said to him "here have mine, it's probably drier than the other ones." (or something like that) and he said "thanks" (or it might've been "thank you", he at least used some word(s) to express grattitude). I thought to myself 'there's my good deed for the day.

But then I remembered that I'd done 3 and a half hours of volunteer work for the British Red Cross earlier. I'd destroyed the good/evil balance in the world.

And that's why I drowned that kitten.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Oh Shit...

I think we all know what this means...

rip internet

Recreational Cricket is Criminal!

I was just on twitter (join it if you haven't) when I noticed I had some new followers. Hmm,who's this? I'll read the Bio "The Lord’s Taverners is one of the UK’s leading youth sports and disability charities and the official charity of recreational cricket."

How can recreational cricket have an official charity!?!?

Also, Recently there was a film about bank robber John Dillinger called Public Enimies. It starred Johnny Depp, but after seeing a picture of The real John Dillinger...

I've got to say, I don't think Johnny Depp looks like him.

Though... if Dillinger were a bit older...